I sing the body electric
I celebrate the me yet to come
I toast to my own reunion
When I become one with the sun
And I'll look back on Venus
I'll look back on Mars
And I'll burn with the fire of ten million stars
And in time
And in time
We will all be stars
I sing the body electric
I glory in the glow of rebirth
Creating my own tomorrow
When I shall embody the earth
And I'll serenade Venus
I'll serenade Mars
And I'll burn with the fire of ten million stars
And in time
And in time
We will all be stars
We are the emperors now
And we are the czars
And in time
And in time
We will all be stars
- beautiful words from FAME the musical Ü
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Saturday, October 22, 2005
what was i waiting for? (breaking the curse of law school)
i just came home from the day's errands, and rather than sitting in front of the television to lie on the lazyboy till dinner time (the usual schedule after i get home from school or anything else), i decided to break my routine. i put on my tracksuit and am leisurely waiting for the sun to set, typing in this entry whilst listening to music blasting from my cd player. when the sun sets, im going to go jogging. and after, im going to inventory my old magazines and attempt to sell them since i am flat broke.
just the thought of me being able to check all of these things on my to-do list today gives me thrills. being one who used to thrive on plans, i wonder why it took me so long to do this? i have only one excuse, and its admittedly a crappy one: law school. its been a perennial excuse for everything, and quite frankly, i dont want to make excuses for law school anymore.
why shouldn't i be able to do the things i want to just because im in law school? ive always been able to balance everything before, and tough as it is, law school should be no different. it's unfortunate that the first sting of law school will send any sane freshman off into the hills, never to return until the semestral break (and even then his joy is on hold because of pending finals exam releases), but what is more unfortunate is that after that, we continue to make excuses for law school as if nothing is ever more important. we stop living life as it should be lived, and feel guilty about it when we attempt to. i cannot even count the number of friend's birthdays, anniversaries and other siginificant milestones in loved one's lives that i passed up because i was too afraid that i wasn't going to finish the coverage assigned for the next day. and i stayed home and sulked and i ended up unproductive all the same - my mind being preoccupied imagining what would have happened had i gone to the party or out with that guy. and anyone reading this can tell me that sacrifices such as those aren't even close to being worth it.
and so i resolve to attempt to live as normally as possible now. to go to the gym as regularly as i can. to go swimming once a week. to learn how to play golf and tennis (which i will learn tomorrow with zara! yehey!) to take other classes apart from law. to be able to multi-task. what good is it that im a quick study if i will waste it all doing nothing else but?
here are some of the things i desire to do in the upcoming months:
gym
tennis
golf
swimming
jazz dance
get out my camera and take new pictures
get out my brushes and canvasses and paint
write new things
learn how to write a proper legal article
see my friends at least once a month (when funds allow)
take serious steps in putting up my dream business
get other people to help me with the charity project
hmm. theyre very much the same as the ones i wrote last new year's eve but this time i mean them. promise!
and to think that a good part of this new-found spurt of motivation came from this article a friend sent. maybe it will trigger the inner planner in you too!
------------------------------------------------
Why we should go home on time
Mr. Narayana Murthy is undoubtedly one of the most famous persons from
Karnataka. He is known not just for building the biggest IT empire in
India but also for his simplicity. Almost every important dignitary
visits Infosys campus. He delivered an interesting speech during an
employee session with another IT company in India . He is
incidentally, one of the top 50 Influencial people of Asia according to an Asiaweek
publication and also the new IT Advisor to the Thailand Prime
Minister.
Extract of Mr. Narayana Murthy's Speech during Mentor Session :
I know people who work 12 hours a day, six days a week, or more. Some people
do so because of a work emergency where the long hours are only temporary.
Other people I know have put in these hours for years. I don't know if
they are working all these hours, but I do know they are in the office
this long. Others put in long office hours because they are addicted to
the workplace.
Whatever the reason for putting in overtime, working long hours over
the long term is harmful to the person and to the organization. There
are things managers can do to change this for everyone's benefit.
Being in the office long hours, over long periods of time, makes way for
potential errors. My colleagues who are in the office long hours
frequently make mistakes caused by fatigue. Correcting these mistakes requires their time as well as the time and energy of others. I have seen people work Tuesday through Friday to correct mistakes made after 5 PM on Monday. Another problem is that
people who are in the office long hours are not pleasant company. They
often complain about other people (who aren't working as hard); they
are irritable, or cranky, or even angry. Other people avoid them. Such
behaviour poses problems, where work goes much better when people work
together instead of avoiding one another.
As Managers, there are things we can do to help people leave the
office. First and foremost is to set the example and go home ourselves. I work
with a manager who chides people for working long hours. His words
quickly lose their meaning when he sends these chiding group e-mails
with a time-stamp of 2 AM, Sunday.
Second is to encourage people to put some balance in their lives. For
instance, here is a guideline I find helpful:
1) Wake up, eat a good breakfast, and go to work.
2) Work hard and smart for eight or nine hours.
3) Go home.
4) Read the books/comics, watch a funny movie, dig in the dirt, play
with your kids, etc.
5) Eat well and sleep well.
This is called recreating. Doing steps 1, 3, 4, and 5 enable step 2.
Working regular hours and recreating daily are simple concepts. They
are hard for some of us because that requires 'personal change'. They
are possible since we all have the power to choose to do them.
In considering the issue of overtime, I am reminded of my oldest son.When he was a toddler, if people were visiting the apartment, he would not fall asleep no matter how long the visit, and no matter what time of day it was. He would fight off sleep until the visitors left.It was as if he was afraid that he would miss something. Once our visitors'
left, he would go to sleep. By this time, however, he was over tired
and would scream through half the night with nightmares. He, my wife,
and I, all paid the price for his fear of missing out. Perhaps some
people put in such long hours because they don't want to miss anything
when they leave the office. The trouble with this is that events will
never stop happening. That is life !! Things happen 24 hours a day.
Allowing for little rest is not ultimately practical. So, take a nap.
Things will happen while you're asleep, but you will have the energy
to catch up when you wake.
Hence...
"LOVE YOUR JOB, BUT NEVER FALL IN LOVE WITH YOUR COMPANY BECAUSE YOU
NEVER KNOW WHEN THE COMPANY STOPS LOVING YOU" -- Narayana Murthy
just the thought of me being able to check all of these things on my to-do list today gives me thrills. being one who used to thrive on plans, i wonder why it took me so long to do this? i have only one excuse, and its admittedly a crappy one: law school. its been a perennial excuse for everything, and quite frankly, i dont want to make excuses for law school anymore.
why shouldn't i be able to do the things i want to just because im in law school? ive always been able to balance everything before, and tough as it is, law school should be no different. it's unfortunate that the first sting of law school will send any sane freshman off into the hills, never to return until the semestral break (and even then his joy is on hold because of pending finals exam releases), but what is more unfortunate is that after that, we continue to make excuses for law school as if nothing is ever more important. we stop living life as it should be lived, and feel guilty about it when we attempt to. i cannot even count the number of friend's birthdays, anniversaries and other siginificant milestones in loved one's lives that i passed up because i was too afraid that i wasn't going to finish the coverage assigned for the next day. and i stayed home and sulked and i ended up unproductive all the same - my mind being preoccupied imagining what would have happened had i gone to the party or out with that guy. and anyone reading this can tell me that sacrifices such as those aren't even close to being worth it.
and so i resolve to attempt to live as normally as possible now. to go to the gym as regularly as i can. to go swimming once a week. to learn how to play golf and tennis (which i will learn tomorrow with zara! yehey!) to take other classes apart from law. to be able to multi-task. what good is it that im a quick study if i will waste it all doing nothing else but?
here are some of the things i desire to do in the upcoming months:
gym
tennis
golf
swimming
jazz dance
get out my camera and take new pictures
get out my brushes and canvasses and paint
write new things
learn how to write a proper legal article
see my friends at least once a month (when funds allow)
take serious steps in putting up my dream business
get other people to help me with the charity project
hmm. theyre very much the same as the ones i wrote last new year's eve but this time i mean them. promise!
and to think that a good part of this new-found spurt of motivation came from this article a friend sent. maybe it will trigger the inner planner in you too!
------------------------------------------------
Why we should go home on time
Mr. Narayana Murthy is undoubtedly one of the most famous persons from
Karnataka. He is known not just for building the biggest IT empire in
India but also for his simplicity. Almost every important dignitary
visits Infosys campus. He delivered an interesting speech during an
employee session with another IT company in India . He is
incidentally, one of the top 50 Influencial people of Asia according to an Asiaweek
publication and also the new IT Advisor to the Thailand Prime
Minister.
Extract of Mr. Narayana Murthy's Speech during Mentor Session :
I know people who work 12 hours a day, six days a week, or more. Some people
do so because of a work emergency where the long hours are only temporary.
Other people I know have put in these hours for years. I don't know if
they are working all these hours, but I do know they are in the office
this long. Others put in long office hours because they are addicted to
the workplace.
Whatever the reason for putting in overtime, working long hours over
the long term is harmful to the person and to the organization. There
are things managers can do to change this for everyone's benefit.
Being in the office long hours, over long periods of time, makes way for
potential errors. My colleagues who are in the office long hours
frequently make mistakes caused by fatigue. Correcting these mistakes requires their time as well as the time and energy of others. I have seen people work Tuesday through Friday to correct mistakes made after 5 PM on Monday. Another problem is that
people who are in the office long hours are not pleasant company. They
often complain about other people (who aren't working as hard); they
are irritable, or cranky, or even angry. Other people avoid them. Such
behaviour poses problems, where work goes much better when people work
together instead of avoiding one another.
As Managers, there are things we can do to help people leave the
office. First and foremost is to set the example and go home ourselves. I work
with a manager who chides people for working long hours. His words
quickly lose their meaning when he sends these chiding group e-mails
with a time-stamp of 2 AM, Sunday.
Second is to encourage people to put some balance in their lives. For
instance, here is a guideline I find helpful:
1) Wake up, eat a good breakfast, and go to work.
2) Work hard and smart for eight or nine hours.
3) Go home.
4) Read the books/comics, watch a funny movie, dig in the dirt, play
with your kids, etc.
5) Eat well and sleep well.
This is called recreating. Doing steps 1, 3, 4, and 5 enable step 2.
Working regular hours and recreating daily are simple concepts. They
are hard for some of us because that requires 'personal change'. They
are possible since we all have the power to choose to do them.
In considering the issue of overtime, I am reminded of my oldest son.When he was a toddler, if people were visiting the apartment, he would not fall asleep no matter how long the visit, and no matter what time of day it was. He would fight off sleep until the visitors left.It was as if he was afraid that he would miss something. Once our visitors'
left, he would go to sleep. By this time, however, he was over tired
and would scream through half the night with nightmares. He, my wife,
and I, all paid the price for his fear of missing out. Perhaps some
people put in such long hours because they don't want to miss anything
when they leave the office. The trouble with this is that events will
never stop happening. That is life !! Things happen 24 hours a day.
Allowing for little rest is not ultimately practical. So, take a nap.
Things will happen while you're asleep, but you will have the energy
to catch up when you wake.
Hence...
"LOVE YOUR JOB, BUT NEVER FALL IN LOVE WITH YOUR COMPANY BECAUSE YOU
NEVER KNOW WHEN THE COMPANY STOPS LOVING YOU" -- Narayana Murthy
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
what a difference a day makes
I was looking for something to lift inspiration from when I came across a journal entry that made me realize what a difference a few months are.
Here are some paragraphs lifted from an entry dated april 28, 2005 :
(note that these are rant paragraphs, and are not to be taken seriously in their entirety)
There isn’t a day when I don’t wish I had a different mother. Everyday I wake up and eat breakfast under the watchful eyes of my mom, telling me that I am already too fat and if I don’t watch it no one will ever want to have me.
There are many things that I really despise about my mom, things that, when we argue, send me running into my closet, while I try not to let her hear my crying because I don’t want her to have the satisfaction. Yet funnily, when its time for me to let her know how badly I’ve been affected by all her abusive language, I can barely remember anything. And she has the satisfaction of thinking that my silence means that there is nothing unforgivable in the way that she treats me.
A year after law school, I am not at the top of the batch like I expected myself to be. I’m not even at the middle. I am at the bottom of the batch, scraping the bottom of the barrel, barely making enough to pass to the next level. That’s my goal. Not to be at the top of the batch, not even to be better than most, but only to be good enough. I feel despicable. No wonder my mother hates me.
And yet here I am, 23 years old. I’ve woken up feeling this everday for the last 15 years of my life. Still fat, still an underachiever, still blaming my mother. But really, perhaps its all my fault. My fault for not being good enough. My fault for not having what it takes to succeed. How can I be a failure at 23? I don’t know. But I am. I do not even know what I want. I’ve been following orders all my life.
All I know about what I want is this. To wake up in the morning and feel that I am enough. To not be told of what’s lacking with me, but only what they think I am capable of doing. To have control over my day without the thought of pleasing anybody else with what I do, only me. To not have to need the help of others so desperately. To succeed on my own.
I don’t even know how to make that come true for me. I don’t know if I should quit law and find a job, move out and live poor, stop eating and be thin. I feel like everyday I stay in this house and live with my mother, a little part of the me that I love dies. Because I don’t know how to defend her. i feel so impotent.
-----------------------------
this is apt because today, we went out as “a family” and had lunch at the mandarin oriental to celebrate my mother’s birthday. During the much-dreaded honoring, I managed to come up with some words, which though they weren’t really honoring, were fitting for the occasion and I was surprised by what my mother had to say.
My mother has been surprising me a lot lately, being this strong, and this un-nagging, and being semi-easy to live with. After I had told her in my speech that I thought her concern was stifling, she told me she was concerned because she saw so much potential in me, and she couldn’t understand why I wasn’t living up to what I could possibly achieve. She told me that she thought I had everything covered. She told me she thought I was brilliant. She told me she thought I was incredibly talented. She told me she thought my only problem was that I needed to believe that I was brilliant for myself, because I get run down by every negative comment everyone else had to say. I was surprised because I thought she was just disappointed because I wasn’t living my life in the manner she saw fit. I suppose all mothers want to see their daughters happy, but this was how much my mother wants to see me be that: she is willing to go to the point where I will hate her just so I can be the best version of myself that I could ever possibly be, even at the cost of me hating her. I never thought of it that way.
I suppose, we will never really see eye to eye on a lot of things, but now, I finally get her. And hateful as I was of how I grew up under her critical eye, I only feel gratefulness now. I know maybe tomorrow, or in a few day’s time, I will feel very differently, when I’m being told by her to run on the treadmill or eat my vegetables, but at least for today, I feel very differently.
Here are some paragraphs lifted from an entry dated april 28, 2005 :
(note that these are rant paragraphs, and are not to be taken seriously in their entirety)
There isn’t a day when I don’t wish I had a different mother. Everyday I wake up and eat breakfast under the watchful eyes of my mom, telling me that I am already too fat and if I don’t watch it no one will ever want to have me.
There are many things that I really despise about my mom, things that, when we argue, send me running into my closet, while I try not to let her hear my crying because I don’t want her to have the satisfaction. Yet funnily, when its time for me to let her know how badly I’ve been affected by all her abusive language, I can barely remember anything. And she has the satisfaction of thinking that my silence means that there is nothing unforgivable in the way that she treats me.
A year after law school, I am not at the top of the batch like I expected myself to be. I’m not even at the middle. I am at the bottom of the batch, scraping the bottom of the barrel, barely making enough to pass to the next level. That’s my goal. Not to be at the top of the batch, not even to be better than most, but only to be good enough. I feel despicable. No wonder my mother hates me.
And yet here I am, 23 years old. I’ve woken up feeling this everday for the last 15 years of my life. Still fat, still an underachiever, still blaming my mother. But really, perhaps its all my fault. My fault for not being good enough. My fault for not having what it takes to succeed. How can I be a failure at 23? I don’t know. But I am. I do not even know what I want. I’ve been following orders all my life.
All I know about what I want is this. To wake up in the morning and feel that I am enough. To not be told of what’s lacking with me, but only what they think I am capable of doing. To have control over my day without the thought of pleasing anybody else with what I do, only me. To not have to need the help of others so desperately. To succeed on my own.
I don’t even know how to make that come true for me. I don’t know if I should quit law and find a job, move out and live poor, stop eating and be thin. I feel like everyday I stay in this house and live with my mother, a little part of the me that I love dies. Because I don’t know how to defend her. i feel so impotent.
-----------------------------
this is apt because today, we went out as “a family” and had lunch at the mandarin oriental to celebrate my mother’s birthday. During the much-dreaded honoring, I managed to come up with some words, which though they weren’t really honoring, were fitting for the occasion and I was surprised by what my mother had to say.
My mother has been surprising me a lot lately, being this strong, and this un-nagging, and being semi-easy to live with. After I had told her in my speech that I thought her concern was stifling, she told me she was concerned because she saw so much potential in me, and she couldn’t understand why I wasn’t living up to what I could possibly achieve. She told me that she thought I had everything covered. She told me she thought I was brilliant. She told me she thought I was incredibly talented. She told me she thought my only problem was that I needed to believe that I was brilliant for myself, because I get run down by every negative comment everyone else had to say. I was surprised because I thought she was just disappointed because I wasn’t living my life in the manner she saw fit. I suppose all mothers want to see their daughters happy, but this was how much my mother wants to see me be that: she is willing to go to the point where I will hate her just so I can be the best version of myself that I could ever possibly be, even at the cost of me hating her. I never thought of it that way.
I suppose, we will never really see eye to eye on a lot of things, but now, I finally get her. And hateful as I was of how I grew up under her critical eye, I only feel gratefulness now. I know maybe tomorrow, or in a few day’s time, I will feel very differently, when I’m being told by her to run on the treadmill or eat my vegetables, but at least for today, I feel very differently.
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
why men are happier
Why ARE Men Happier ?
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple
creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas
station
restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same
work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face! and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25
minutes.
No wonder men are happier!
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple
creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas
station
restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same
work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face! and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25
minutes.
No wonder men are happier!
Monday, October 03, 2005
is it truth day?
elles_ore: how's the shower?
sophia: siyempre nakakadepress
sophia: maraming happy family and god crap.
sophia: mga marriage ewan
elles_ore: bakit depressing?
elles_ore: ah oo. hehe
sophia: at yung nanay mas mukha pa akong buntis sa kanya
elles_ore: di bale
elles_ore: kung andun din ako, tayong dalawa ang mukhang buntis
sophia: hay.
sophia: nakakalungkot talaga
sophia: kasi parang brady bunch yung family nila
sophia: alam mo yun
sophia: parang siya never pa nahirapan sa life niya
sophia: everything na maganda nangyayari dun sa taong yun
elles_ore: hah...nakakainggit yang mga ganyan
sophia: tapos yung last na sabi sa kanya ng husband niya (kasi 1 year pa lang sila married) "i have felt more loved in the past year than in the entirety of my 29 years here on earth."
elles_ore: while i live in boredom sa law school
sophia: leche leche leche leche lecheelles_ore: wow....tears
sophia: tapos feeling mo never na mangyayari sayo yan noh?
elles_ore: hm oo
elles_ore: actually
sophia: parang may mga tao na anak ng diyos tapos may mga tao na hindi
sophia: tapos ganun na lang yun forever
elles_ore: true
sophia: bakit kaya ganun
elles_ore: ah....actually dati akala ko rin anak ako ng diyos
elles_ore: that was before law school
elles_ore: bigla kong naisip, matter of perspective lang
sophia: yun yung iniisip ko lagi
sophia: pero hindi eh
sophia: meron talagang taong maswerte
elles_ore: hah?
sophia: nang basta basta lang.
elles_ore: oo totoo
sophia: tapos ganun na sile forever
sophia: oo noh
sophia: pero even outside of law school
sophia: yung isa ko pang friend, ganun din
elles_ore: talaga?
elles_ore: hm...
elles_ore: siguro mali lang ang field kung nasaan tayo
sophia: oo no
sophia: as in yun, nagagawa niya lahat ng gusto niya
sophia: lahat ng lalaki na namimeet niya nanliligaw sa kanya
sophia: yung mga gago napapabait niya
elles_ore: talaga? wow...
sophia: tapos sobrang okay pa yung work niya
elles_ore: hmm...okay a
sophia: as in paganda na lang siya ng paganda everytime
elles_ore: talaga...hm...nakakainggit naman
sophia: oo noh
sophia: kahit na ayaw mo mainggit parang ang hirap
elles_ore: oo
elles_ore: pero ia di ba perspective lang naman talaga? kasi my other friends think ako naman ang anak ng diyos
elles_ore: pero i'm far from it
sophia: i always used to think that
sophia: alam ko a lot of people think anak din ako ng diyos dahil comfortable kami, asa law school ako, etc.
sophia: pero maraming beses ang hirap pilitin yung sarili mo na isipin yan
sophia: i feel...unlovable.
sophia: yun.
sophia: siguro thats why i go through life like this
elles_ore: talaga? bakit naman? alam mo i read somewhere
sophia: parang the only one who is interested in looking out for me is myself.
elles_ore: na we send signals to guys
sophia: i dont know what other signals i can send to guys.
elles_ore: guys only look out for us if we would allow them to look out for us
sophia: feeling ko every signal i send out is screaming "love me! love me!"
elles_ore: baka you're not sending signals
sophia: tapos nagtatakbuhan sila lahat in the other direction
sophia: like im this squid who will kill them
elles_ore: to me, parang everyone thinks you're fine with the way you are
elles_ore: siguro nga sabi mo kasi conservative ka
sophia: feeling ko everyone thinks im weird
sophia: in a desperate kind of way.
elles_ore: hah? i think it's the other way around
elles_ore: you make people feel that you don't need then
elles_ore: them
elles_ore: and that you're fine on your own
sophia: ha? sophia: pano mo naman nasabi yun?
elles_ore: okay lang maging vulnerable, ia. the real you is attractive. you refuse to sow it
elles_ore: show
sophia: alam mo minsan i feel as if im the neediest person
sophia: tapos if hindi ko pigilin yung sarili ko matatakot na sakin yung mga tao.
elles_ore: feeling ko talaga minsan you on't need anyone or anything
sophia: talaga? kelan? papano?
elles_ore: ako na to a
elles_ore: ewan ko. you send that aura
sophia: for me, its a constant struggle.
sophia: i had to teach myself to rely on only myself kasi wala naman nagkaka-interes dun.
sophia: parang when im vulnerable i get transported back to high school again when i was the only girl who wasn't asked if i needed help carrying my luggage. hahaha. one fo the most traumatic memories.
elles_ore: i think transparency is the key word
elles_ore: i used to be that tough
elles_ore: pero when i showed people what i really felt, it took some time, but everything went well, i think
sophia: i dont understand.
sophia: you really felt what?
elles_ore: na i need someone
elles_ore: na i need someone like this
elles_ore: the surprising thing is, i tend to draw in people i really like
elles_ore: pero marami pa ring problema after that
elles_ore: ibang story na yun
elles_ore: but at least, sa part na yun, oo.
sophia: ako feeling ko naman, no one wants to see.
sophia: no one asks.
sophia: even when i attempt to be...uhm. vulnerable.
elles_ore: you were never vulnerable
sophia: so i just keep to myself.
elles_ore: i never felt you were ever vulnerable
sophia: what? i feel vulnerable everyday.
elles_ore: when i know you are vulnerable, i see that you drive people away
sophia: like everyone sees right through me. kaya they distance themselves.
elles_ore: nope. i think they distance themselves because they know it will be a futile attempt
elles_ore: kahit kami nina mel, kapag alam naming hurting ka, natatakot lumapit
elles_ore: either ma-hurt ka namin, or makadagdag lang kami
elles_ore: it's not bad to let people see you're hurting
sophia: but im hurting because of them.
sophia: and how can showing that be good?
elles_ore: hm...hindi lahat ng tao causes pain
sophia: feeling ko whoever gets interested in me sees me as some sort of charity case that they have to take
sophia: naaawa sila sa akin, naguiguilty, nawi-weirdohan.
elles_ore: hindi naman dapat nirarationalize ang interest. kung ano man ang dahilan,hindi yun ang nagmamatter
sophia: well, no one is ever interested din naman
sophia: which is why i get so preoccupied trying to make myself interesting
elles_ore: but still, hindi yun ang nagmamatter. that we know
sophia: wondering what i can do different.
elles_ore: you are interesting!
elles_ore: promise
elles_ore: you only refuse to be a subject of interest
elles_ore: promise
sophia: nung isang araw, nag-uusap kami nina mel tungkol sa "obsession" ng mga tao
sophia: nagsimula yun sa pinag-usapan daw ninyo.
sophia: tapos naisip ko yung obsession ko, yung reinvention ko of myself.
elles_ore: a oo
elles_ore: o tapos
elles_ore: is that bad? hindi naman a
sophia: kasi feeling ko hindi ko maabot-abot yung version ng sarili ko na magiging acceptable sa mga tao.
sophia: kaya kahit ang dami ko na nasubukan, hindi ako makasettle down and feel okay about it.
sophia: kasi hindi ko ma-achieve yung nagagawa ng ibang tao.
sophia: not literally
sophia: but just the fact that they are able to find people to bond with (men and women alike)
sophia: ako i always feel as if im on the outside. even with us
sophia: parang, theres this private joke that i can never be in on.
sophia: and i dont know what i have to do to be able to get in on the secret
sophia: yun yung feeling ko about all my relationships
sophia: the sad thing is, the only relationship i felt was never like that was the one i had with my father
sophia: and ironically, wala na rin yun.
sophia: kanina sa shower, yung dad niya was saying na from the moment na he saw her pagkalabas niya sa womb
sophia: he felt like he loved her so much already. even without her doing anything, even if she hadnt done anything for him to be proud of, he was willing to die for her
sophia: my dad cant even stop. mas okay pa sa kanya na wag na kami mag-usap habang buhay.
sophia: here i am again exhibiting my neediness.
elles_ore: i understand
sophia: siyempre nakakadepress
sophia: maraming happy family and god crap.
sophia: mga marriage ewan
elles_ore: bakit depressing?
elles_ore: ah oo. hehe
sophia: at yung nanay mas mukha pa akong buntis sa kanya
elles_ore: di bale
elles_ore: kung andun din ako, tayong dalawa ang mukhang buntis
sophia: hay.
sophia: nakakalungkot talaga
sophia: kasi parang brady bunch yung family nila
sophia: alam mo yun
sophia: parang siya never pa nahirapan sa life niya
sophia: everything na maganda nangyayari dun sa taong yun
elles_ore: hah...nakakainggit yang mga ganyan
sophia: tapos yung last na sabi sa kanya ng husband niya (kasi 1 year pa lang sila married) "i have felt more loved in the past year than in the entirety of my 29 years here on earth."
elles_ore: while i live in boredom sa law school
sophia: leche leche leche leche lecheelles_ore: wow....tears
sophia: tapos feeling mo never na mangyayari sayo yan noh?
elles_ore: hm oo
elles_ore: actually
sophia: parang may mga tao na anak ng diyos tapos may mga tao na hindi
sophia: tapos ganun na lang yun forever
elles_ore: true
sophia: bakit kaya ganun
elles_ore: ah....actually dati akala ko rin anak ako ng diyos
elles_ore: that was before law school
elles_ore: bigla kong naisip, matter of perspective lang
sophia: yun yung iniisip ko lagi
sophia: pero hindi eh
sophia: meron talagang taong maswerte
elles_ore: hah?
sophia: nang basta basta lang.
elles_ore: oo totoo
sophia: tapos ganun na sile forever
sophia: oo noh
sophia: pero even outside of law school
sophia: yung isa ko pang friend, ganun din
elles_ore: talaga?
elles_ore: hm...
elles_ore: siguro mali lang ang field kung nasaan tayo
sophia: oo no
sophia: as in yun, nagagawa niya lahat ng gusto niya
sophia: lahat ng lalaki na namimeet niya nanliligaw sa kanya
sophia: yung mga gago napapabait niya
elles_ore: talaga? wow...
sophia: tapos sobrang okay pa yung work niya
elles_ore: hmm...okay a
sophia: as in paganda na lang siya ng paganda everytime
elles_ore: talaga...hm...nakakainggit naman
sophia: oo noh
sophia: kahit na ayaw mo mainggit parang ang hirap
elles_ore: oo
elles_ore: pero ia di ba perspective lang naman talaga? kasi my other friends think ako naman ang anak ng diyos
elles_ore: pero i'm far from it
sophia: i always used to think that
sophia: alam ko a lot of people think anak din ako ng diyos dahil comfortable kami, asa law school ako, etc.
sophia: pero maraming beses ang hirap pilitin yung sarili mo na isipin yan
sophia: i feel...unlovable.
sophia: yun.
sophia: siguro thats why i go through life like this
elles_ore: talaga? bakit naman? alam mo i read somewhere
sophia: parang the only one who is interested in looking out for me is myself.
elles_ore: na we send signals to guys
sophia: i dont know what other signals i can send to guys.
elles_ore: guys only look out for us if we would allow them to look out for us
sophia: feeling ko every signal i send out is screaming "love me! love me!"
elles_ore: baka you're not sending signals
sophia: tapos nagtatakbuhan sila lahat in the other direction
sophia: like im this squid who will kill them
elles_ore: to me, parang everyone thinks you're fine with the way you are
elles_ore: siguro nga sabi mo kasi conservative ka
sophia: feeling ko everyone thinks im weird
sophia: in a desperate kind of way.
elles_ore: hah? i think it's the other way around
elles_ore: you make people feel that you don't need then
elles_ore: them
elles_ore: and that you're fine on your own
sophia: ha? sophia: pano mo naman nasabi yun?
elles_ore: okay lang maging vulnerable, ia. the real you is attractive. you refuse to sow it
elles_ore: show
sophia: alam mo minsan i feel as if im the neediest person
sophia: tapos if hindi ko pigilin yung sarili ko matatakot na sakin yung mga tao.
elles_ore: feeling ko talaga minsan you on't need anyone or anything
sophia: talaga? kelan? papano?
elles_ore: ako na to a
elles_ore: ewan ko. you send that aura
sophia: for me, its a constant struggle.
sophia: i had to teach myself to rely on only myself kasi wala naman nagkaka-interes dun.
sophia: parang when im vulnerable i get transported back to high school again when i was the only girl who wasn't asked if i needed help carrying my luggage. hahaha. one fo the most traumatic memories.
elles_ore: i think transparency is the key word
elles_ore: i used to be that tough
elles_ore: pero when i showed people what i really felt, it took some time, but everything went well, i think
sophia: i dont understand.
sophia: you really felt what?
elles_ore: na i need someone
elles_ore: na i need someone like this
elles_ore: the surprising thing is, i tend to draw in people i really like
elles_ore: pero marami pa ring problema after that
elles_ore: ibang story na yun
elles_ore: but at least, sa part na yun, oo.
sophia: ako feeling ko naman, no one wants to see.
sophia: no one asks.
sophia: even when i attempt to be...uhm. vulnerable.
elles_ore: you were never vulnerable
sophia: so i just keep to myself.
elles_ore: i never felt you were ever vulnerable
sophia: what? i feel vulnerable everyday.
elles_ore: when i know you are vulnerable, i see that you drive people away
sophia: like everyone sees right through me. kaya they distance themselves.
elles_ore: nope. i think they distance themselves because they know it will be a futile attempt
elles_ore: kahit kami nina mel, kapag alam naming hurting ka, natatakot lumapit
elles_ore: either ma-hurt ka namin, or makadagdag lang kami
elles_ore: it's not bad to let people see you're hurting
sophia: but im hurting because of them.
sophia: and how can showing that be good?
elles_ore: hm...hindi lahat ng tao causes pain
sophia: feeling ko whoever gets interested in me sees me as some sort of charity case that they have to take
sophia: naaawa sila sa akin, naguiguilty, nawi-weirdohan.
elles_ore: hindi naman dapat nirarationalize ang interest. kung ano man ang dahilan,hindi yun ang nagmamatter
sophia: well, no one is ever interested din naman
sophia: which is why i get so preoccupied trying to make myself interesting
elles_ore: but still, hindi yun ang nagmamatter. that we know
sophia: wondering what i can do different.
elles_ore: you are interesting!
elles_ore: promise
elles_ore: you only refuse to be a subject of interest
elles_ore: promise
sophia: nung isang araw, nag-uusap kami nina mel tungkol sa "obsession" ng mga tao
sophia: nagsimula yun sa pinag-usapan daw ninyo.
sophia: tapos naisip ko yung obsession ko, yung reinvention ko of myself.
elles_ore: a oo
elles_ore: o tapos
elles_ore: is that bad? hindi naman a
sophia: kasi feeling ko hindi ko maabot-abot yung version ng sarili ko na magiging acceptable sa mga tao.
sophia: kaya kahit ang dami ko na nasubukan, hindi ako makasettle down and feel okay about it.
sophia: kasi hindi ko ma-achieve yung nagagawa ng ibang tao.
sophia: not literally
sophia: but just the fact that they are able to find people to bond with (men and women alike)
sophia: ako i always feel as if im on the outside. even with us
sophia: parang, theres this private joke that i can never be in on.
sophia: and i dont know what i have to do to be able to get in on the secret
sophia: yun yung feeling ko about all my relationships
sophia: the sad thing is, the only relationship i felt was never like that was the one i had with my father
sophia: and ironically, wala na rin yun.
sophia: kanina sa shower, yung dad niya was saying na from the moment na he saw her pagkalabas niya sa womb
sophia: he felt like he loved her so much already. even without her doing anything, even if she hadnt done anything for him to be proud of, he was willing to die for her
sophia: my dad cant even stop. mas okay pa sa kanya na wag na kami mag-usap habang buhay.
sophia: here i am again exhibiting my neediness.
elles_ore: i understand
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