the ratpack never fails to make me feel like myself again - even at a time when i couldn't be more different.
the other day while waiting for the feature film to begin, the new nike ad was shown, and though i found it annoying while it was running, now i cant get it out of my mind. it featured a guy running alone on a dirtroad, apparently talking to someone, sometimes taunting, sometimes encouraging, sometimes just downright annoying. one part of it is him convincing himself to stop running, the other part is convincing himself to run faster. the line of the ad reads - leave your old self behind. and off he goes running, leaving the whiney him in the dust.
and so 2 days after, here i am sitting, thinking if the me now is really the one i should take with me.
ive been reading the old posts, and the lack of new posts now is only testament to how much of my old self ive already begun to lose - partly because of law school, partly because of growing up, partly because - i dont know. there's still so much i dont know about that old self. the chirpy, doe-eyed, optimistic girl i was a year ago. the one who was so excited to be in law school because she would finally get the direction she craved for. who was excited at being on a track. that led to a definite ending. cookie-cutter clear.
skip to one year and a few months after - me, hating the direction that the path i chose is taking me. hating the fact that so many of the possibilities i wanted to explore were closing. hating the growing reality that im well on my way to becoming the worlds most mediocre legal practicioner (assuming i manage to coast my way through the 4 years and pass the bar). i get a headace everytime i begin reading for any of my classes, which gets progressively worse when i begin to think about the classes i missed and the backlog of things i have to read before finals. i get a headache when i get asked by a classmate about what i think about the case, and i get a headache when i get asked by classmates if i managed to finish the entire reading assignment. im irritable about absolutely everything. especially about the fact that i cant even answer for myself what i want to do to remedy the situation.
i dont have any answers. i dont have any possible solutions to get the answers. i dont believe the answers will come any time soon.
what self am i going to leave behind?
and now i cant run because ive given myself a headache. AGAIN.
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
seize the day
hmm. the line for today. carpe diem!
it could be the littlest thing. starting a conversation with an acquaintance. giving a lollipop to a grown-up. letting him see the quirky you.
oooh. im going to do all of those things.
seize the day!
it could be the littlest thing. starting a conversation with an acquaintance. giving a lollipop to a grown-up. letting him see the quirky you.
oooh. im going to do all of those things.
seize the day!
Saturday, August 20, 2005
in search of a vision...
...i am.
in the next weeks to come, i am about to make one of the important decisions, and i hope i when the time comes i will be man enough to make them.
and so while i am looking for that vision, let this article be the first step. to all others who feel like i do, here's to us. we can all use the guidance.
--------------------------
6 Steps to More Happiness
Even small changes can reshape your life in dramatic ways. Start here.
By Cheryl Richardson
Turning Points
There is, for many of us, a moment in life when we make a choice that changes us forever. This moment marks a turning point, a threshold of sorts, when we realize that the life we're living is not a reflection of who we really are.
For some, the moment comes as a result of something dramatic: the sudden loss of a job, the diagnosis of a life-threatening illness, or the death of a loved one. For others, it's prompted by dealing with difficult situations, such as financial hardship or the long, slow end of a marriage.
As a life coach for the past 18 years, I've also seen many transformations not motivated by any crisis. Instead, some women simply opened their eyes and their hearts to a new way of looking at themselves and the world, a way guided by a positive energy that I call "the unmistakable touch of grace."
In these challenging times, it's more critical than ever for us to embrace the possibility of positive change. As I travel and talk to people about their lives, I often see a distant, almost-vacant look in their eyes -- a look that says, "I'm so busy trying to survive my life that I have no soul left to live it." Frightening world events, along with the overwhelming amount of information and stimuli that assault us daily, have caused our anxiety levels to soar. Living on the edge of uncertainty has made fight or flight our standard operating mode.
As a result, our most soul-nourishing relationships start to deteriorate, and we end up feeling lonely and isolated. Yet we keep on going the way we've been going, locked into a comfortable state of denial about what isn't working in our lives. We tolerate high levels of stress at work, take important relationships for granted, put our health needs on hold, or continue to overspend in spite of the anxiety we feel about mounting debt. We get so caught up in the details of living that our busyness becomes a convenient diversion from the pesky inner voice that begs us to listen. Here's the irony: When you finally pay attention to that little voice and begin to make even small changes, you slowly emerge from the protective cocoon of denial.
Making the Change
To initiate positive change, you need to harness the power of your mind by using a specific life plan. I've come up with a six-step strategy that will help you lead life on your terms. Instead of drifting along in a haze of busyness and denial, you will be able to identify what you want and then go after it. It's easier than you might think.
1. Reset your happiness set point. And don't limit yourself! When I decided nearly 20 years ago that I wanted more control over my life, I set goals in eight areas: physical, emotional, spiritual, financial, intellectual, professional, material, and play. At first I challenged myself to consider every possible option -- a difficult task if you're not used to allowing yourself to want more than you need. If you're like I once was, you're limited by your happiness "set point," the level of success that you feel worthy of or comfortable with. It's time to raise your set point. Imagine things you've never believed you could achieve. Don't let your past determine your future.
2. Shift your beliefs. Once I had a long list of goals, I reexamined it to decide which ones would be my top priorities. Then I thought about how I would have to adjust my beliefs to support my pursuit of each goal. To facilitate this, I identified people who were already successful at creating what I wanted. Then I asked them about the specific beliefs they thought had served them best, so I could begin to incorporate them into my life.
3. Trust your gut. Too often, especially when you're first learning to take control of your life, you doubt yourself. It's crucial to develop a strong connection with your inner guidance system. I've heard many stories that underscore the importance of listening to that persistent voice inside your head.
4. Get into gear. Once you have set goals, adjusted your beliefs, and connected with your intuition, you can start making things happen. Again, turn to those people you respect -- the ones who are achieving what you desire -- for support and guidance. They will both inspire you and give you practical advice on what steps you need to take, whether you're pursuing a new career, finding a home in a different part of the country, or developing an artistic talent. Then make a list of at least three steps you'll take to get started.
For example, in my late 20s, I turned to my colleague Wendy to help me come up with concrete steps to transform myself from debt ridden to debt free. I had become so overwhelmed by my unpaid credit-card balances that I spent a lot of time obsessing over how bad things were. I needed to get out from under -- fast. Wendy shared with me her debt-elimination plan -- how she set up a minimum-payment schedule, using any extra money she earned to pay off the debts with the highest interest rates. I developed a similar plan. What's more, I decided to reward myself. After I paid my bills at the end of each month, I celebrated the fact that my debt was dwindling with a friend. Within 14 months my burdensome debt had vanished.
5. Have faith. Believe that the positive energy of grace will support your efforts to improve your life. When you've done all you can, let go and trust that the right result will occur. When we have faith, we surrender the need to be in control, and we set ourselves up to actually enjoy the process of change.
Think about it. What are you trying to control in your life right now? For example, to improve your relationship with your teenage son, stop badgering him to clean his room and make your expectations (and the consequences of his not meeting them) clear. Then allow him to find his own way. Or instead of arguing with your spouse, try letting go of your need to be right and focus on reaching a compromise.
6. Be patient. This can be the toughest step of all. It's not easy to trust that your life will unfold in a way, and at a pace, that is best. To remind yourself of the benefits of patience, write the following phrase on a piece of paper and put it in your wallet: "Haste will take the place of something better born from grace." When you're frustrated, take it out and read it. In my experience, those truly beneficial life changes, when they happen, are always worth the wait.
in the next weeks to come, i am about to make one of the important decisions, and i hope i when the time comes i will be man enough to make them.
and so while i am looking for that vision, let this article be the first step. to all others who feel like i do, here's to us. we can all use the guidance.
--------------------------
6 Steps to More Happiness
Even small changes can reshape your life in dramatic ways. Start here.
By Cheryl Richardson
Turning Points
There is, for many of us, a moment in life when we make a choice that changes us forever. This moment marks a turning point, a threshold of sorts, when we realize that the life we're living is not a reflection of who we really are.
For some, the moment comes as a result of something dramatic: the sudden loss of a job, the diagnosis of a life-threatening illness, or the death of a loved one. For others, it's prompted by dealing with difficult situations, such as financial hardship or the long, slow end of a marriage.
As a life coach for the past 18 years, I've also seen many transformations not motivated by any crisis. Instead, some women simply opened their eyes and their hearts to a new way of looking at themselves and the world, a way guided by a positive energy that I call "the unmistakable touch of grace."
In these challenging times, it's more critical than ever for us to embrace the possibility of positive change. As I travel and talk to people about their lives, I often see a distant, almost-vacant look in their eyes -- a look that says, "I'm so busy trying to survive my life that I have no soul left to live it." Frightening world events, along with the overwhelming amount of information and stimuli that assault us daily, have caused our anxiety levels to soar. Living on the edge of uncertainty has made fight or flight our standard operating mode.
As a result, our most soul-nourishing relationships start to deteriorate, and we end up feeling lonely and isolated. Yet we keep on going the way we've been going, locked into a comfortable state of denial about what isn't working in our lives. We tolerate high levels of stress at work, take important relationships for granted, put our health needs on hold, or continue to overspend in spite of the anxiety we feel about mounting debt. We get so caught up in the details of living that our busyness becomes a convenient diversion from the pesky inner voice that begs us to listen. Here's the irony: When you finally pay attention to that little voice and begin to make even small changes, you slowly emerge from the protective cocoon of denial.
Making the Change
To initiate positive change, you need to harness the power of your mind by using a specific life plan. I've come up with a six-step strategy that will help you lead life on your terms. Instead of drifting along in a haze of busyness and denial, you will be able to identify what you want and then go after it. It's easier than you might think.
1. Reset your happiness set point. And don't limit yourself! When I decided nearly 20 years ago that I wanted more control over my life, I set goals in eight areas: physical, emotional, spiritual, financial, intellectual, professional, material, and play. At first I challenged myself to consider every possible option -- a difficult task if you're not used to allowing yourself to want more than you need. If you're like I once was, you're limited by your happiness "set point," the level of success that you feel worthy of or comfortable with. It's time to raise your set point. Imagine things you've never believed you could achieve. Don't let your past determine your future.
2. Shift your beliefs. Once I had a long list of goals, I reexamined it to decide which ones would be my top priorities. Then I thought about how I would have to adjust my beliefs to support my pursuit of each goal. To facilitate this, I identified people who were already successful at creating what I wanted. Then I asked them about the specific beliefs they thought had served them best, so I could begin to incorporate them into my life.
3. Trust your gut. Too often, especially when you're first learning to take control of your life, you doubt yourself. It's crucial to develop a strong connection with your inner guidance system. I've heard many stories that underscore the importance of listening to that persistent voice inside your head.
4. Get into gear. Once you have set goals, adjusted your beliefs, and connected with your intuition, you can start making things happen. Again, turn to those people you respect -- the ones who are achieving what you desire -- for support and guidance. They will both inspire you and give you practical advice on what steps you need to take, whether you're pursuing a new career, finding a home in a different part of the country, or developing an artistic talent. Then make a list of at least three steps you'll take to get started.
For example, in my late 20s, I turned to my colleague Wendy to help me come up with concrete steps to transform myself from debt ridden to debt free. I had become so overwhelmed by my unpaid credit-card balances that I spent a lot of time obsessing over how bad things were. I needed to get out from under -- fast. Wendy shared with me her debt-elimination plan -- how she set up a minimum-payment schedule, using any extra money she earned to pay off the debts with the highest interest rates. I developed a similar plan. What's more, I decided to reward myself. After I paid my bills at the end of each month, I celebrated the fact that my debt was dwindling with a friend. Within 14 months my burdensome debt had vanished.
5. Have faith. Believe that the positive energy of grace will support your efforts to improve your life. When you've done all you can, let go and trust that the right result will occur. When we have faith, we surrender the need to be in control, and we set ourselves up to actually enjoy the process of change.
Think about it. What are you trying to control in your life right now? For example, to improve your relationship with your teenage son, stop badgering him to clean his room and make your expectations (and the consequences of his not meeting them) clear. Then allow him to find his own way. Or instead of arguing with your spouse, try letting go of your need to be right and focus on reaching a compromise.
6. Be patient. This can be the toughest step of all. It's not easy to trust that your life will unfold in a way, and at a pace, that is best. To remind yourself of the benefits of patience, write the following phrase on a piece of paper and put it in your wallet: "Haste will take the place of something better born from grace." When you're frustrated, take it out and read it. In my experience, those truly beneficial life changes, when they happen, are always worth the wait.
Friday, August 19, 2005
because ais wants me to Ü
Seven things that scare you:
1. the thought of souls and ghosts manifesting themselves to me asking for help
2. being mediocre forever
3. never getting to the point where im satisfied with my life
4. living my life alone
5. losing a loved one
6. being seen as a failure
7. eternity
Seven things you like the most:
1. a perfect day - or days that end up surprisingly well
2. good conversations
3. holiday seasons without the complex emotional turmoil
4. music
5. speding a day exactly the way i planned it
6. a wonderful meal
7. having people to share the amazing stories with
Seven important things in your room:
1. my albums (all my memories)
2. my books, journals, planners
3. my cellphone
4. my productions (in cds)
5. my artwork
6. my clothes (yeah yeah yeah im a clotheshorse)
7. family heirlooms in the form of jewelry (taken from my lola's baul)
Seven random facts about you:
1. i sing out loud when im walking
2. i can almost never drive without music
3. i cant play sports to save my life
4. i love jammies
5. i put my feet through an awful lot (you should see my poor feet and its battle scars
6. i get lonely a lot at night when im left alone with my thoughts
7. i dont know if ive ever fallen in love
Seven things you plan to do before you die:
1. travel the world
2. put up reading rooms around the country
3. write a bestseller
4. have children (either my own or adoption a la angelina jolie)
5. put up halfway houses to help people get back on their feet, and scholarship programs to send streetkids to school
6. be a success
7. love unconditionally
Seven things you can do:
1. plan a really good party
2. eat alone in public
3. read the same book over and over again
4. sit on palma hall toilet bowls - (oooh. i share this one with ais! im actually quite disgusting)
5. think of an art/media project and know exactly how to execute it
6. survive a whole day without taking a bath (ahh. another thing i share with ais. sabi ko nga am disgusting)
7. shop for almost anyone
Seven things you can't do:
1. study for my law classes conscientiously
2. not care
3. eat vegetables
4. make the first move
5. say no to comfort food cravings
6. go to school looking like hell and not being affected by the way i look
7. throw caution to the wind
Seven things that attract you to the opposite sex:
1. wit, diction and good vocal quality
2. the ability to fix broken things
3. an unawareness of his potent (hahaha) good-looks and charm (hindi feeling gwapo)
4. not taking himself too darn seriously
5. the mix of good boy and mystery
6. overwhelming intelligence
7. responsibility, decisiveness and conviction
Seven things you say the most:
1. hindi ako nag-aral
2. pakshet
3. sorry
4. i wish i knew the answers
5. hah? (in my most palengkera voice)
6. hindi ko nakita or makita
7. i wish i knew what i wanted
Seven celeb crushes (whether local or foreign)
1. colin firth
2. benjamin mackenzie
3. adam brody
4. mr big in sex and the city
hihihi. and now for my kajologan
5. tj manotoc
6. jc gonzales
7. the dj rico robles
Seven people you want to see to take this quiz:
1. all of my friends! as in.
1. the thought of souls and ghosts manifesting themselves to me asking for help
2. being mediocre forever
3. never getting to the point where im satisfied with my life
4. living my life alone
5. losing a loved one
6. being seen as a failure
7. eternity
Seven things you like the most:
1. a perfect day - or days that end up surprisingly well
2. good conversations
3. holiday seasons without the complex emotional turmoil
4. music
5. speding a day exactly the way i planned it
6. a wonderful meal
7. having people to share the amazing stories with
Seven important things in your room:
1. my albums (all my memories)
2. my books, journals, planners
3. my cellphone
4. my productions (in cds)
5. my artwork
6. my clothes (yeah yeah yeah im a clotheshorse)
7. family heirlooms in the form of jewelry (taken from my lola's baul)
Seven random facts about you:
1. i sing out loud when im walking
2. i can almost never drive without music
3. i cant play sports to save my life
4. i love jammies
5. i put my feet through an awful lot (you should see my poor feet and its battle scars
6. i get lonely a lot at night when im left alone with my thoughts
7. i dont know if ive ever fallen in love
Seven things you plan to do before you die:
1. travel the world
2. put up reading rooms around the country
3. write a bestseller
4. have children (either my own or adoption a la angelina jolie)
5. put up halfway houses to help people get back on their feet, and scholarship programs to send streetkids to school
6. be a success
7. love unconditionally
Seven things you can do:
1. plan a really good party
2. eat alone in public
3. read the same book over and over again
4. sit on palma hall toilet bowls - (oooh. i share this one with ais! im actually quite disgusting)
5. think of an art/media project and know exactly how to execute it
6. survive a whole day without taking a bath (ahh. another thing i share with ais. sabi ko nga am disgusting)
7. shop for almost anyone
Seven things you can't do:
1. study for my law classes conscientiously
2. not care
3. eat vegetables
4. make the first move
5. say no to comfort food cravings
6. go to school looking like hell and not being affected by the way i look
7. throw caution to the wind
Seven things that attract you to the opposite sex:
1. wit, diction and good vocal quality
2. the ability to fix broken things
3. an unawareness of his potent (hahaha) good-looks and charm (hindi feeling gwapo)
4. not taking himself too darn seriously
5. the mix of good boy and mystery
6. overwhelming intelligence
7. responsibility, decisiveness and conviction
Seven things you say the most:
1. hindi ako nag-aral
2. pakshet
3. sorry
4. i wish i knew the answers
5. hah? (in my most palengkera voice)
6. hindi ko nakita or makita
7. i wish i knew what i wanted
Seven celeb crushes (whether local or foreign)
1. colin firth
2. benjamin mackenzie
3. adam brody
4. mr big in sex and the city
hihihi. and now for my kajologan
5. tj manotoc
6. jc gonzales
7. the dj rico robles
Seven people you want to see to take this quiz:
1. all of my friends! as in.
Sunday, August 14, 2005
bye bye doggie
today, after a horrible series of exams, i had to go home and give my favorite dog away. having a mother who really really hates our dogs does not bode well for us doglovers. under a threat to give him away to be cooked as kaldereta, i had been laboring to find a good home for him. and now i have.
its sad because he's the nicest dog i've ever had for a pet. he doesn't bark at people, he does what you tell him to do, and he always has a smile for me when i get home from school. as an asthmatic, i wasn't really allowed to come really close to him - but he'd always let me rub his belly with my foot. this means though that i don't really have pictures playing with him - but i was able to take this one last shot of him - it was the shot that eventually saved him. the one that led a good friend to take him home with her.
and though i will miss him (i already do), i know they will love him so much.
bye bye doggie.
its sad because he's the nicest dog i've ever had for a pet. he doesn't bark at people, he does what you tell him to do, and he always has a smile for me when i get home from school. as an asthmatic, i wasn't really allowed to come really close to him - but he'd always let me rub his belly with my foot. this means though that i don't really have pictures playing with him - but i was able to take this one last shot of him - it was the shot that eventually saved him. the one that led a good friend to take him home with her.
and though i will miss him (i already do), i know they will love him so much.
bye bye doggie.
Saturday, August 13, 2005
it runs in the family?
while on a much undeserved break from my non-cramming session. i wonder if im actually related to this guy. except that he actually died happy. and i, right now, although very much feeling like im dying, am sure it will NOT be due to overexhaustion from happiness.
---------------------------------------------------
Man dies after 50 hours of computer games
South Korean left seat in Internet cafe only to use toilet, take brief naps
SEOUL, South Korea - A South Korean man who played computer games for 50 hours almost non-stop died of heart failure minutes after finishing his mammoth session in an Internet cafe, authorities said on Tuesday.
The 28-year-old man, identified only by his family name Lee, had been playing online battle simulation games at the cybercafe in the southeastern city of Taegu, police said.
Lee had planted himself in front of a computer monitor to play online games on Aug. 3. He only left the spot over the next three days to go to the toilet and take brief naps on a makeshift bed, they said.
"We presume the cause of death was heart failure stemming from exhaustion," a Taegu provincial police official said by telephone.
Lee had recently quit his job to spend more time playing games, the daily JoongAng Ilbo reported after interviewing former work colleagues and staff at the Internet cafe.
After he failed to return home, Lee's mother asked his former colleagues to find him. When they reached the cafe, Lee said he would finish the game and then go home, the paper reported.
He died a few minutes later, it said.
South Korea, one of the most wired countries in the world, has a large and highly developed game industry.
---------------------------------------------------
Man dies after 50 hours of computer games
South Korean left seat in Internet cafe only to use toilet, take brief naps
SEOUL, South Korea - A South Korean man who played computer games for 50 hours almost non-stop died of heart failure minutes after finishing his mammoth session in an Internet cafe, authorities said on Tuesday.
The 28-year-old man, identified only by his family name Lee, had been playing online battle simulation games at the cybercafe in the southeastern city of Taegu, police said.
Lee had planted himself in front of a computer monitor to play online games on Aug. 3. He only left the spot over the next three days to go to the toilet and take brief naps on a makeshift bed, they said.
"We presume the cause of death was heart failure stemming from exhaustion," a Taegu provincial police official said by telephone.
Lee had recently quit his job to spend more time playing games, the daily JoongAng Ilbo reported after interviewing former work colleagues and staff at the Internet cafe.
After he failed to return home, Lee's mother asked his former colleagues to find him. When they reached the cafe, Lee said he would finish the game and then go home, the paper reported.
He died a few minutes later, it said.
South Korea, one of the most wired countries in the world, has a large and highly developed game industry.
Sunday, August 07, 2005
island of relaxation
last night was the best night. really as if i was away on an island. almost never even thought about the things i didnt read, and the things i have to read.
although the reason for the evening was partly sad (we were sending sam away for the nth time), we were all really relaxed and game.
pi found this cool place in gb 3 called fuzion and we had the whole back (with comfy cushions and pillows) to ourselves. it was essentially a smoothie bar (yummy yummy - they don't put ice in their smoothies so everything is frozen fruit and yoghurt), but we enjoyed the food and the smoothies all the same.
the treat of the night was us playing encore (girls vs boys - WE WON!!!) and the guys showing us magic tricks (sam showing us the fascinating one which he had to trade in with the devil hehehe).
it was a much needed break from all this burnout. i love them for it.
the going-away boy
the newly svelte ej (elton john???)
after clobbering the boys at encore
game night champions
not so sore losers
although the reason for the evening was partly sad (we were sending sam away for the nth time), we were all really relaxed and game.
pi found this cool place in gb 3 called fuzion and we had the whole back (with comfy cushions and pillows) to ourselves. it was essentially a smoothie bar (yummy yummy - they don't put ice in their smoothies so everything is frozen fruit and yoghurt), but we enjoyed the food and the smoothies all the same.
the treat of the night was us playing encore (girls vs boys - WE WON!!!) and the guys showing us magic tricks (sam showing us the fascinating one which he had to trade in with the devil hehehe).
it was a much needed break from all this burnout. i love them for it.
the going-away boy
the newly svelte ej (elton john???)
after clobbering the boys at encore
game night champions
not so sore losers
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
empty thoughts
everything is just at a standstill. nothing is progressing.
but how can i still be so consumed with this linear progress? i really don't know why.
so consumed with conversations gone wrong. with days spent idly reading. with dinners that never took place, scenarios that didn't play out exactly as imagined.
what is progress anyway? when things don't go the way you planned them to, does it necessarily mean that you didn't progress at all?
me thinks i should just go back to reading harry potter. silence my thoughts for a while.
but how can i still be so consumed with this linear progress? i really don't know why.
so consumed with conversations gone wrong. with days spent idly reading. with dinners that never took place, scenarios that didn't play out exactly as imagined.
what is progress anyway? when things don't go the way you planned them to, does it necessarily mean that you didn't progress at all?
me thinks i should just go back to reading harry potter. silence my thoughts for a while.
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