questions i really do want to answer

1.The emotion I tend to hide the most: loneliness, and anticipation. are these really emotions? well, these are the things i almost never allow to get to the surface.

2.When I'm happy, I need to share it with someone special :)


3.When I'm sad, I need to eat a lot and do something mababaw

4.When I'm sentimental, I need to talk to someone who will listen, or listen to heart-wrenching music, or pray alone

5.When I'm in love (disclaimer: not that i am but...) i smile at everything and find more reasons to fix myself up and get more motivated to do things and find so many reasons to brighten up otherwise dreary situations

6.I would jump up & down and shout w/ joy right
now if someone told me that he really does like me. (hay. so high school)

7.The last time I cried was: last last weekend while driving when it dawned on me how close my dad is to dying. i dont think i will ever be ready enough.

8.Moment in my life when my emotions froze and I
felt absolutely nothing: i feel everything everytime.


9.People who genuinely make me happy:
honestly?

-my girls! tessa "precious pearl" sia, rosanne "dagger look" medez, melissa "the black ninja" telan, izzy "the grasshopper" laluna and lately, len :)
-my dad and my brother and on isolated moments, my mom
-him when he smiles at me :)
-the old execom folks


10.Something that makes me happy:
-when i contribute to someone else's happiness
-when i share in someone's joy (read: screaming over the
phone...sanne, mel, wink wink)
-doing something unexpectedly nice for someone
-giving someone exactly what he/she wants when she least expects it
-good music while im driving
-good music on any given day
-a really nice conversation
-dessert
-pancakes and bacon or tocino for breakfast
-a good book
-getting to do everything on my list
-a good recit
-a day without pressure
-staying in on a rainy day with people you love
-cuddling under a really think comforter when its cold
-a good cup of coffee
-a new cd compilation
-buying interesting bargains
-meeting new people


11.Someone or something that made me laugh
this week:
-watching mr. 80%! our private jokes made it super funny!
-coming up with chinese alter-egos
-recalling my ang-panget-ko and bakya moments


12.Your Good Luck Charm
my angel - my lolo. and God.

13. Person You Hate Most:
i dont hate anyone. no one at all. just get a bit miffed from time to time

14. On your desk:
-piles and piles of cases i hope to be able to read
-2nd year books
-my old books from the summer reading list


15.What do you notice first with the opposite sex:
-the way they carry themselves
-the personality

16. Last person you slow danced with: admittedly? rocky. a loooonnggg time ago.

17.Makes you laugh the most: kahit mag-isa tumatawa ako eh. lately? the group 1 girls :)

18.Makes you smile:
-little kids
-him
-when the whole family gets to sit down for a meal
-when i come home with nothing to do
-when i get to watch veronica mars, joan of arcadia, the oc
-my sfc household when we have good discussions
-singing along to good music
-a sunny day
-practically anything. ask anyone. i smile at everything


19.Can make you feel better:
-food! i am the original bottomless pit. hahaha
-conversations
-a good night's rest
-driving around
-a mababaw movie or show

20. Gives you a funny feeling:
-being awestruck at the world
-realizing you like someone
-getting through a recit relying on blind faith alone
-me when i think about me in lawschool

hello. im ia. a law student.

driving home from katipunan last night, i got to thinking. im a sophomore in law school.

i can't believe i made it.

even more so, i can't believe im still here.

but i am. and even though i had spent practically the entirety (well, sort of) of saturday and friday night studying, and even though i had gone home from the law library at 9:30 almost everyday since school started, i still wake up when i have to and haul myself off to school.

and yet, my law blockmates can attest to this. i get a glazed look everytime i hie off to the golden days of masscomm. when coming to class with nothing except my charm (hahaha) and my ideas were enough to get me by.

i started a lot of my sentences with "back when i was in broad..." and on weekends when i can afford to, my masscomm blockmates and org friends are one of the first people i text to go out.

i jumped at practically every occasion i could turn into a production event.

but somewhere in the middle of all of this, it seemed to matter less and less.

i found myself in a conversation with a friend from masscomm yesterday, while we were both attempting to study at the law library. we talked about old friends and old loves, flings, failed career attempts, exploring into the call center world, and gossip about everyone else in our batch. everything that i lived and breathed when i was in undergrad. but somehow everything felt different. i no longer felt like i was a part of it. and it was surprisingly okay.

so okay in fact, that when he left me, i was still able to study some as i waited for my blockmates to arrive. no afterthoughts. no distractions.

at the end of the day, it was the law that i came home to and the law that i woke up to. and now, it doesnt bother me as much.

i suppose, after spending more than a year as a struggling-law-school-student-hopeful, ive finally become one.

and it ain't such a bad view from here. hooboy. am i really here? yet somehow i know i am.

the smallest things

we've never even had a proper conversation.
or one that either of us initiated.
i dont even know if you like coffee.
i dont even know if you like me.
i do know that we both don't know how to ride a bike.
but how does that figure in all of this?

theres so much i dont know about you.
and yet what i know is enough.
you talk fast when you're excited
you smile when you hear me sing
you want to slay dragons and run like the wind
you mean what you say
you will drive me home even when you dont feel like it
you will drive me home even when youre drunk
you give me the answers to all the questions in my head
you remind me that i have all the answers in me
you make me forget how i might run into ghosts on my way to the bathroom.
you make me smile when i think of you.
knowing that is enough.

for my old man

when i was 17 i bought my dad a father's day card. im 23 years old now and i still havent given it to him. not because i don't know what to say, but because everyday with him is so full already that i don't know what else to put in the card.

i don't know of any other daughter who identifies with her dad more than me. all my friends can attest to it, my relationship with my father defines so much who i am. we love the same things. frank sinatra and the beatles. laughing. books. eating out. sleeping in. talking. breakfast. creme brulee. mangoes. strong coffee.

im in law school because of him. partly because i want to reach as many people as he does with his profession, partly because i want to go to work everyday and see him there. law school hasnt been easy for me, and i dont know if i have what it takes to finish, but i do what i can to get me across. for the time being.

i want so much for him to see me make something of myself. to give back everything that he's given for me. the countless conversations. the cultural excursions. the gastronomical adventures. the outfits. the laughter. the cups of coffee he's made for me since i was three.

im lucky i was dealt with such a great dad. i can only hope he gets to see me become a great mom to my child. a great lawyer? perhaps just a success. i can't really say where. i want so much for him to see.

at dawn

i can hear the sound of his steady breathing across from me.
even with my eyes closed, even without him saying anything.
his presence soothes me.
even in the dark of almost-dawn.
my lips curl into a little tiny smile
at the thought of waking up with him next to me.
quiet breathing.
skin on skin.
warm hands on smooth backs.
he always catches me watching him sleep.
even when i don't move.
even when i don't make a sound.
he must sense my happiness at having him there.
i don't mind that he knows.
he doesn't mind that i watch.
he pretends he's asleep for a little bit longer so
i can lie there and watch him breathe.
i pretend i don't want to cry tears of joy that we are together.
the sunlight cracks its way into the dark room.
i stop pretending i don't want to cry.
a tear makes its way down my face.
glistening in the glow of early morning.
i don't want to open my eyes.
i don't want to see how he isn't really there.
morning brings the warmth that i wish came from him.
how ironic that it was much warmer before the sun rose today.
i miss him.

the truth from richard stine

i keep returning to this page from my favorite book. i just find this really beautiful.

"The world is obsessed with making progress that is trying to go from point A to point B in an ever improving condition. I wonder about that kind of linear movement and thinking. I wonder if it wouldn't be better to never move from point A, in fact to understand that point A contains all points always."

Beautiful. I hope I never forget that.

who was this girl?

as written by good friends joey, mona, ieli and mel:

"Deep within her lies a skillful and witty soul. Gifted with a passion for music and poetry, she has the ability to express her true self well and voice out her ideas to the world. She is a mature lady whose vivid understanding of life is the primary reason for her complete transformation and development as an individual."

What did this even mean?

I remember how it felt to be this girl. To be so scared to wear something because you were afraid of being criticized. To not voice out your opinion because you weren't sure you'd be accepted after. I wonder what ideas I DID express. But this girl feels like a different person to me.

I loved her nevertheless. But an entirely different person. One I'm glad I no longer am.

the fullest week

funny how the loss of my wallet has made me super productive this week. well, not just the loss of my wallet, but what the hey.

ive been running around the whole week. i love running around. i will miss the action when all i have left to do is study.

hooboy.