the thing about unfortunate days is that they never seem to end. today is the perfect example. woke up and put on the most comfortable shirt i owned, seeing as to how the exam would be long and i wanted to be comfortable.
i go down, and whilst hurriedly chomping on the cereal as i cram facts, my mother takes one look at me and says "i dont know if its that shirt but youre looking extremely fat from where im sitting."
this is exactly what i need to boost my pre-exam morale.
the thing about mothers is that they keep on repeating things like that under the idea that they are helping you get motivated. yesterday my mother mistook me for my father ( and this is no complement at all. my father is over 200lbs.) whilst my back was to her while i was downloading files to study. and it was no treat. to be mistaken for a 52 year old 200 lb man is not my idea of a happy complement so close to my birthday.
we talk about the day that is to be my birthday - and how i cannot celebrate it. all year i was looking forward to my birthday and how wonderfully i will celebrate it this year. but, as i predicted earlier during the sem, the professors found a way to bite me in the ass. we are having all my exams on the week, and the weekend, of my birthday. i cant even celebrate on the weekend after! or the weekend after that!
i get to the school and everyone else seems to know more than me. i cannot answer questions, and i cannot for the life of me remember the whole 1000+ pages i read of reyes. after the exam,there is the sinking feeling one gets from taking a multiple choice exam that one wishes were an essay exam instead. how could i remember the answers now that i am no longer taking the blasted test?
the thing about multiple choice exams is that unless you're the one who made the choices, the answer will never seem clear to you. students, the best ones at that, will never be mind readers. there isnt even room to qualify one's answers. and scoring high on a multiple choice exam is not determinative of one's brilliance.
obviously i dont think i did well at all.
to cheer myself up went to kenny rogers to buy comfort food. lots of it. and amidst deciding whether to get mac and cheese or chicken and macaroni salad, to put on the side of my rib and chicken, i run into a guy friend and a very thin girlfriend, scantily clad in things i will never fit into. all this when my hair is matted to my head and my feet are dusty in my slippers (not havaianas).
the thing about meeting the girlfriends of guy friends is that you are painfully reminded of why you are alone. of why guys like him are friends and why girls like you are galpals instead of girlfriends. you see this standard of perfection that you couldnt possibly meet.
the thing about birthdays is that while you do get to survive another year of life on earth, you are reminded of every goal you set for yourself that you didn't get to meet. again.
on my way to 23 and none the wiser. as john mayer said, "i wish i were six again."
Wednesday, March 30, 2005
Friday, March 25, 2005
oooh. 23 is the new 21.
at least, i say so. hahaha.
so list of things i did today:
morning: attempted to wake up at 8, and i did, but then fell asleep again and woke up at (my true wake up time of) 9:30. attempted to study, but as i woke up with a splitting headache, had breakfast and waited for the headache to pass. till like NOON.
attempted to study again. since today is the first day of freedom and liberation. but it is very disconcerting actually studying in a quiet house when you are so used to my mother screaming at everyone 24-7. they all left for the province and i am left here at home. alone. for the first time in my whole entire 22 (soon to be 23) years. since i realized that i wouldnt be able to study while it was so quiet, i turned on the tv and discovered that it was the gilmore girls marathon! and so whilst i attempted to read crim provisions, finally got to catch up on my backlog (of episodes, not provisions, sadly).
but what a joy to be able to watch gilmore girls non-stop. i had forgotten how much i wanted to study at an ivy-league university. rorie deciding on whether to go to yale, harvard or princeton made my stomach churn. i wished it was a decision i could still make for myself. and i wished i could begin another adventure like that. and it made me confused on whether what i wanted was her education or her lifestyle. the whole small-town, stars hollow thing is such a picture. makes you want to jump right in. because life was simple and people were not as complex.
sometimes i think i could live in a town like that working as a bagger at the grocery shop and not care. hmm. how's that for a lifestyle change?
i wonder when that time will come, when i will finally know what i really want and the answers i need will come to me. 23? i hope so. im not sure if i should be moving on with this whole law school thing or if i should be in search of a new vision. what scares me is pulling through for the long haul only to realize ive been wasting time.
and so, you cannot have been reading this whole time without realizing that i would be turning 23 a few days from now, on march 30. and thinking about how i spent this whole day, made me realize other stuff i wanted, for my birthday and for the entire year to come.
a weeklong birthday celebration
ooh. gilmore girls had a whole thing planned for lorelei's birthday and it was everything i loved. a birthday message spelled on the table in mallomars. facials with girlfriends, a massage, and a kicking party to top it off. but as my luck has it, my birthday had to be on final exam week, so not much luck on that happening. but am excited anyway. i think.
but seriously, a facial would me fabulous. not to mention much-needed. look like the moon woman now.
to take classes i really look forward to. creative stuff like i used to take.
to get motivated. a business is something ive really been trying to think about. put my skills to work. except i lack the know-how and the capital.
to be more assertive. with everyone around. i want to stop being the doormat.
to take a dance class. hahaha. really specific. but i really do! if i could, i would probably join a musical or something.
perhaps 7 hours of gilmore girls and criminal law provisions has made me a little loopy. will see if i feel the same way in the morning.
so list of things i did today:
morning: attempted to wake up at 8, and i did, but then fell asleep again and woke up at (my true wake up time of) 9:30. attempted to study, but as i woke up with a splitting headache, had breakfast and waited for the headache to pass. till like NOON.
attempted to study again. since today is the first day of freedom and liberation. but it is very disconcerting actually studying in a quiet house when you are so used to my mother screaming at everyone 24-7. they all left for the province and i am left here at home. alone. for the first time in my whole entire 22 (soon to be 23) years. since i realized that i wouldnt be able to study while it was so quiet, i turned on the tv and discovered that it was the gilmore girls marathon! and so whilst i attempted to read crim provisions, finally got to catch up on my backlog (of episodes, not provisions, sadly).
but what a joy to be able to watch gilmore girls non-stop. i had forgotten how much i wanted to study at an ivy-league university. rorie deciding on whether to go to yale, harvard or princeton made my stomach churn. i wished it was a decision i could still make for myself. and i wished i could begin another adventure like that. and it made me confused on whether what i wanted was her education or her lifestyle. the whole small-town, stars hollow thing is such a picture. makes you want to jump right in. because life was simple and people were not as complex.
sometimes i think i could live in a town like that working as a bagger at the grocery shop and not care. hmm. how's that for a lifestyle change?
i wonder when that time will come, when i will finally know what i really want and the answers i need will come to me. 23? i hope so. im not sure if i should be moving on with this whole law school thing or if i should be in search of a new vision. what scares me is pulling through for the long haul only to realize ive been wasting time.
and so, you cannot have been reading this whole time without realizing that i would be turning 23 a few days from now, on march 30. and thinking about how i spent this whole day, made me realize other stuff i wanted, for my birthday and for the entire year to come.
a weeklong birthday celebration
ooh. gilmore girls had a whole thing planned for lorelei's birthday and it was everything i loved. a birthday message spelled on the table in mallomars. facials with girlfriends, a massage, and a kicking party to top it off. but as my luck has it, my birthday had to be on final exam week, so not much luck on that happening. but am excited anyway. i think.
but seriously, a facial would me fabulous. not to mention much-needed. look like the moon woman now.
to take classes i really look forward to. creative stuff like i used to take.
to get motivated. a business is something ive really been trying to think about. put my skills to work. except i lack the know-how and the capital.
to be more assertive. with everyone around. i want to stop being the doormat.
to take a dance class. hahaha. really specific. but i really do! if i could, i would probably join a musical or something.
perhaps 7 hours of gilmore girls and criminal law provisions has made me a little loopy. will see if i feel the same way in the morning.
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
this time last year...
a look back at how i was last year. just to see if i made progress. for those of you who got to know me just now in lawschool, here is a slice off the ditzy ia cake. enjoy the sugary sweetness. Ü
------------------------------------------
the second day as 22
ah, march 30 was FABULOUS. (my new favorite word), almost got everything on my list checked. list goes:
go to mass : not check. kept on missing it. got to the communion part though. so i just prayed.
family meal: well, almost. had brunch with my mom and bro.
self-pampering day: facial, massage, and hot oil treatment - all accomplished for a fraction of what i thought i'd be spending - though slightly balanced by the ultra-expensive hair treatment. love, love, love the massages. I love massages! I think i deserve it din naman.
my new resolution: picture to document my fabulousness every year. and it did turn out FABULOUS!!! Ü if i may say so myself.
dinner party with relatives and good friends: good, great. behaved well, twas fun. overnighted (not as fun as expected) but was okay anyway. this morning was way funner! we slept till maybe ten, and had breakfast all the way till lunch. we laughed more than half the time.
for the 2nd day as a 22, spent the day being surprised and mildly embarrassed. in a fun and funny way i suppose. must be documented.
first: went to gail's phi kappa phi induction. thought i was just in for a snooze fest, but it ended up being half-way decent. the speaker was good, the speech was short, and the intermission was moving. but what was ultimately funny was when i saw a friend from BROADGUILD and i called him over. it was fun to see NOEL again. only, i kept calling him NOEL and didnt realize that his name was actually JAMESÜ (a sign that i'm getting soft in my old age?) gosh. was so embarrassed when in a subtle way i was reminded his name was james. (He said umm...JAMES when i was about to type in noel. hooboy. humiliation central. buti na lang he was a nice guy. makes me wonder though why he answered to the name noel)
but the final earth-shattering surprise of the day was running into carlo* (name changed to protect identity) in starbucks. my god! how could this have happened on the one day when i least expected it? i was not at all prepared. and ive been preparing myself so much everyday of my senior year last year. it was funny i suppose. at least i got to put in a bit of conversation kahit na konti. but he seems the same. so uncomfortable though. in a non-obvious way. hoped to see adam and ended up seeing carlo. i can say the famous "goodbye carlo" line now. (to one that is - i have so many CARLOs going around eh.) his entrance sure stopped me from an impending pity-party.
went to a mini-party where i saw the cutest dogs (a dachshund named pocholo, a small dog named boy george, pug named...(i dont remember), another named cutie pie, and another named brutus. amusing. good days.
till tomorrowÜ
------------------------------------------
the second day as 22
ah, march 30 was FABULOUS. (my new favorite word), almost got everything on my list checked. list goes:
go to mass : not check. kept on missing it. got to the communion part though. so i just prayed.
family meal: well, almost. had brunch with my mom and bro.
self-pampering day: facial, massage, and hot oil treatment - all accomplished for a fraction of what i thought i'd be spending - though slightly balanced by the ultra-expensive hair treatment. love, love, love the massages. I love massages! I think i deserve it din naman.
my new resolution: picture to document my fabulousness every year. and it did turn out FABULOUS!!! Ü if i may say so myself.
dinner party with relatives and good friends: good, great. behaved well, twas fun. overnighted (not as fun as expected) but was okay anyway. this morning was way funner! we slept till maybe ten, and had breakfast all the way till lunch. we laughed more than half the time.
for the 2nd day as a 22, spent the day being surprised and mildly embarrassed. in a fun and funny way i suppose. must be documented.
first: went to gail's phi kappa phi induction. thought i was just in for a snooze fest, but it ended up being half-way decent. the speaker was good, the speech was short, and the intermission was moving. but what was ultimately funny was when i saw a friend from BROADGUILD and i called him over. it was fun to see NOEL again. only, i kept calling him NOEL and didnt realize that his name was actually JAMESÜ (a sign that i'm getting soft in my old age?) gosh. was so embarrassed when in a subtle way i was reminded his name was james. (He said umm...JAMES when i was about to type in noel. hooboy. humiliation central. buti na lang he was a nice guy. makes me wonder though why he answered to the name noel)
but the final earth-shattering surprise of the day was running into carlo* (name changed to protect identity) in starbucks. my god! how could this have happened on the one day when i least expected it? i was not at all prepared. and ive been preparing myself so much everyday of my senior year last year. it was funny i suppose. at least i got to put in a bit of conversation kahit na konti. but he seems the same. so uncomfortable though. in a non-obvious way. hoped to see adam and ended up seeing carlo. i can say the famous "goodbye carlo" line now. (to one that is - i have so many CARLOs going around eh.) his entrance sure stopped me from an impending pity-party.
went to a mini-party where i saw the cutest dogs (a dachshund named pocholo, a small dog named boy george, pug named...(i dont remember), another named cutie pie, and another named brutus. amusing. good days.
till tomorrowÜ
feet on the ground
this whole 22 thing has been consistent in the lesson i should learn: get your head out of the clouds and have your feet firmly planted on the ground.
the whole 21 thing, to my recollection was to get hold of my dreams, and it was one of the most exciting years to come on by. graduated, lived in a hotel for a month, met the most amazing people whilst being paid to work in malacanang and live in a hotel for a month, worked in advertising, lived in new york, and reached for the farthest star by taking the Law Aptitude Exam.
and then Law School began. while i am not complaining (outrightly) about the surprise that is law school, i must say that it is so so far from what i expected it would be.
while the people are great and the conversations are good, this is the most ive been humbled i think. emotionally, physically, intellectually.
going into law school, you realize that you cannot be the smartest, and your cramming skills will do you no good. ( well, maybe a little good ) but i never realized going into law school just how much like high school it would be. IT IS SO small. and cliquish. there are SOSYAL frats and jolog frats. one of the things i will remember about it is going into it feeling grotesquely inadequate physically. you suddenly hear people talking about "the prettiest girls in the batch" and "the best dressers" and how "really pretty girls and really cute guys" would "most probably go" to THE SCHOOL in rockwell. Q: bakit ang mga babae sa UP parang Supreme Court? A: KASI PAREHO SILANG WALANG APPEAL. a joke i will never forget. probably because i am still waiting for myself to begin laughing. there are people who will never ask your opinion regarding a case because they do not think you are smart enough, or are not expecting the correct answer from you. there are crabs and there are friendlies, genuinely nice people and people who are nice to you because they need things. there are people who think they are better than everyone else, and people who, like me, question everyday why they are there, whether or not they belong. whether or not they want this badly enough. sometimes i feel like i am going into bondage when i enter malcolm hall. but i steel myself, take a deep breath, and go on in anyway.
maybe i do want this badly enough. but certainly, my feet are on the ground.
and how ironic is it that i have the mostest biggest zits in my entire life now that im getting older? ugh. i feel practically pre-adolescent. let's hope that theyre gone 8 days from now.
the whole 21 thing, to my recollection was to get hold of my dreams, and it was one of the most exciting years to come on by. graduated, lived in a hotel for a month, met the most amazing people whilst being paid to work in malacanang and live in a hotel for a month, worked in advertising, lived in new york, and reached for the farthest star by taking the Law Aptitude Exam.
and then Law School began. while i am not complaining (outrightly) about the surprise that is law school, i must say that it is so so far from what i expected it would be.
while the people are great and the conversations are good, this is the most ive been humbled i think. emotionally, physically, intellectually.
going into law school, you realize that you cannot be the smartest, and your cramming skills will do you no good. ( well, maybe a little good ) but i never realized going into law school just how much like high school it would be. IT IS SO small. and cliquish. there are SOSYAL frats and jolog frats. one of the things i will remember about it is going into it feeling grotesquely inadequate physically. you suddenly hear people talking about "the prettiest girls in the batch" and "the best dressers" and how "really pretty girls and really cute guys" would "most probably go" to THE SCHOOL in rockwell. Q: bakit ang mga babae sa UP parang Supreme Court? A: KASI PAREHO SILANG WALANG APPEAL. a joke i will never forget. probably because i am still waiting for myself to begin laughing. there are people who will never ask your opinion regarding a case because they do not think you are smart enough, or are not expecting the correct answer from you. there are crabs and there are friendlies, genuinely nice people and people who are nice to you because they need things. there are people who think they are better than everyone else, and people who, like me, question everyday why they are there, whether or not they belong. whether or not they want this badly enough. sometimes i feel like i am going into bondage when i enter malcolm hall. but i steel myself, take a deep breath, and go on in anyway.
maybe i do want this badly enough. but certainly, my feet are on the ground.
and how ironic is it that i have the mostest biggest zits in my entire life now that im getting older? ugh. i feel practically pre-adolescent. let's hope that theyre gone 8 days from now.
a year-old conversation with someone ive missed so much.
deng: so.... i am online.
deng:
sophia: aaaaahhhh...
sophia: this was a fun night
deng: it was a good night.
deng: my palm's are always itching lately
sophia: how different is fun from good?
deng: dunno why.
sophia: maybe it means you will come across a....
sophia: hand fungus.
sophia:
deng: i was agreeing when i said it was a good night. ..it was an add on.
deng: happy evening.
sophia: ah. okay
sophia: i thought we were comparing levels
deng: sophie...
sophia: yes candice?
sophia: lemme guess...
sophia: you LOVE my name.
deng: i'm having this... itch in my.. system. like... i wanna ...hmm.. could it be, "WORK" na? something like that.
deng: i guess it's a good thing.. that i actually "want" to work na..
deng: but it's more of... i want to have my own life na. find and form my own.. identity..life.. lam mo yun?? yon.
deng: serious thoughts attacks..
sophia: it could be.
sophia: i think though, that your identity now is not a problem at all. its quite brilliant if i may say so myself
deng: like, i'm actually getting scared of being too dependent sa parents ko. like i feel like it's not such a healthy thing.
deng: ..awwww......
deng: thanks.
deng:
sophia:
sophia: here are my thoughts on that: i think, your parents love you too much to see your being dependent on them as a burden. plus, they see naman how happy you are. and its not like naghihirap kayo or anything. i think, its because YOU love them too much kaya you don't want them to think na youre overextending your welcome. and you want to give them more reasons to be proud of you maybe?
sophia: at saka, wanting to be independent is never a bad thing naman eh.
deng: yes.
deng: super right.
sophia: are you still there candice?
deng: yeah but on being independent, it's like... i don't see myself being allowed to be independent by my mom. even if maybe she doesn't mean to. parang, she wants me to get a job, but she won't let me drive, and yung mga GUSTO ko talaga (ex. wwf) hindi siya super happy about it. she wants me to be successful para daw pag namatay siya or something stable na ko. pero hindi naman niya ko binibigyan ng "freedom" to be doing things on my own. parang, i feel as long as i'm in this house, being fed and supported by my father and mother.... i can never really ..explore and do the things i really want.
deng: ang haba.
deng: hihi!
deng: dunno if it makes sense. ..pero yun lang feeling ko.
deng:
sophia: hmm...
sophia: ganyan din naman ang feeling ko.
deng: so is it just a phase then?
deng: will this itch go away?
deng: can we live together na lang?
sophia: yung dad ko, he was never really supportive of my move to advertising last year, kasi feeling niya mas masusuportahan ako ng law profession, especially when he passes it on to me.
sophia: i was always resentful of that, until now.
sophia: kasi nakikita ko na totoo.
sophia: in your case, alam ko na hindi ganun.
sophia: still there?
Yahoo! Messenger: flyt_dengue has logged back in. (4/13/04 12:30 AM)
deng: hindi ganun what?
deng: sorry nag-loko ym, nadsicon.
sophia: kasi the field you want to explore is not as lucrative as advertising even.
sophia: siguro, nakikita lang ng mom mo na hindi kasi siya stable na field.
deng: o nga. my mom kasi likes yung mga networks, advertising, etc,etc.. parang kasi mas pwedeng ipagmayabang na type.
sophia: i know na hindi naman nagmamatter sayo talaga yung income as long as you love the work.
deng: e... ayoko dun e!
sophia: kaya lang, siguro iniisip lang din niya, papano na lang niyan pag wala na sila to back you financially? siyempre gusto nila na you will always have the comforts youre experiencing now.
deng: i sense that it bothers my mom that i don't care about the money. parang i feel na sa kanya feeling niya na hindi ako mabubuhay sa ganun. yeah, you're right na hindi kasi stabel tignan.
deng: the comforts na sinanay samin.
sophia: i dont think naman na yung tipong "yabang career" lang yung important sa mom mo. i think, more than that aspect, yung providing part that comes with the career is what she's worried about.
sophia: kasi, admittedly naman, it really doesn't pay well diba?
sophia: i think, if zoology paid well, hindi nga magiging issue yun eh.
sophia: i think she's just really worried about your well-being more than anything.
deng: yup.
deng: exactly.
sophia: gusto niya secure siya in the thought na pag wala na sila you will always have what you have now.
deng: yung providing part that comes with the career is what she's worried about. <- dizizit.
deng: but for me kasi... i can survive without all these extra things that i have now. like i could honestly live sa probinsya type of living e. parang.. hmmm.. napagod ako bigla mag-explain. hihi
deng: basta yon.
deng: yun nga. you're right.
deng: e so what should i do???
deng:
sophia: hmm.
sophia: siguro, you can try to experiment muna.
sophia: total, were young pa naman diba?
sophia: maybe, what you could do is enter a more stable career (that you could actually see yourself in), and then do the zoology thing on the side.
sophia: tipong, prod or content providing.
sophia: and then see how you can handle it.
sophia: like what i did when i opted not to take law muna.
sophia: i wanted to check out advertising, check out grad schools sa US, try to live there for a while, para alam ko talaga what i was saying no to.
sophia: kasi baka iniisip ng mom mo youre sayng no to those things without even trying. kaya hindi siya masyado supportive of your other causes.
sophia: if you really dont like it you could always quit naman eh.
deng: hmmmm...
sophia: siguro, the bottomline is you should find a way to apply yourself din na will provide more regularly. it doesnt even have to be prod, it can be business, it can be events, ikaw bahala.
deng: hmmm.
deng: ..
sophia: that way, you still have time to volunteer for your causes.
deng: hmmm...
sophia: kasi, if gusto mo naman talaga, makakahanap at makakahanap ka ng time
deng:
sophia: am i helping? making sense?
deng: i thought of that before.. kasi yung renting and providing video service na serious, you can really earn alot from it. tapos since sariling time ko, i could still do what i really love/want to do. ..pero iniisip ko pa lang e ayoko na!! is that normal?? parang dismayado na ko agad, parang pagod na ko kagad iniisip ko pa lang yung nag-vivideo ng mga events-events na wala namang saysay. duh. normal ba yun??
deng: yes, sophie, you're helping alot. i think i shall print this chat after.
deng: oh wait, sira pala printer ko. shet.
sophia: well, think of it this way. those jobs naman are what will allow you to have time for volunteering (what you really care for), parang the end justifies the means
deng: hmm..
deng: sometimes kasi i just think na life is too short to be doing things that you don't love.
sophia: second, kunyari you shoot events that may mean nothing to you personally (but indirectly, you share in the joy of the ones who will watch it, you help contribute to their happiness. and you get to capture it pa on film for all eternity)
deng: might die tomorrow and i'll end up doing nothing.
sophia: kaya mo nga isasabay diba?
sophia: para youre not really doing nothing.
sophia: i used to think that way din eh, but the reality is, when we start, we really cannot survive doing just the stuff we love.
sophia: are you still there deng?
sophia: am sorry. am i upsetting you with the stuff ive been saying na?
sophia: am just trying to put myself in your mom's shoes din, so you can maybe see stuff na you werent noticing before, or something?
BUZZ!!!
deng: still here!! no,no.... you're reeeeeally helping.
deng: i know naman din the points of my mom... i know i have to do a few sacrifices din naman... and stuff. yeah... i just.. need to hear it from someone else.
sophia: am glad then
sophia: ako rin, ganyan mag-isip.
sophia: pero now at least, im willing to work hard for it na.
deng: what do you want?
sophia: i see it as...preparing to put myself in a better position to help
deng: neat.
sophia: do you remember i said i wanted to be really rich?
sophia: so i could put up foundations, half-way houses, scholarships, etc.
sophia: a library!
deng: i just want to travel. be around the environment more.
deng: that's what i want.
sophia: and to travel too!
sophia: as in i reeeeaaaalllly wanna travel.
sophia: pero now, i cant afford to eh.
sophia: but when im a lawyer i will be able to.
sophia: and i will be able to help din while im still saving for all these things if i do pro bono
sophia: so i see that as my target for now.
deng: hmm.....
deng: i think...
deng: i'm confused as ever.
deng:
sophia: i think, until we die we will never be completely clear
sophia: i think we ARE supposed to be confused. bombarded with choices!
sophia: its the way God intended it! to show us how many roads we can take! how many shoes and lives we can try on! its all up to our imaginations!
sophia: kasi if everything were clear right away, life would be pretty boring. we'd be in a hurry to die and get out of it
deng: don't know which road to take..
deng: i wanna take them all!
sophia: you can take them all! all you have to do is start with one deng
sophia: just choose one first, and see where it leads you...
deng: k,k... but still don't know which.. hmm.. k.
sophia: until you take one you will never know diba? staying on the offsides waiting for the perfect opportunity isnt the key.
sophia: it doesnt have to be the right choice. i think our youth can afford us that.
deng: *nods head*
sophia: trail and error till we're forty!
deng: ok ok
sophia: forty centuries old
deng: but i hate trial and error..
deng: not that kinda person kasi e.. hmm.. maybe i should be..
sophia: life is trial and error
deng: hmm..
sophia: i think ha.
sophia: para lang yan nung nag-arki ka.
sophia: tapos nagbroad, tapos, nagfilm. trial and error.
deng: just gets ... crazier when you're older..
deng: though we are still young.
sophia: its not a bad thing. its what gets us to the better choices
deng: k.. but you are right sophie.. just..
deng: i think i'm just realizing now that kahit hindi ako pinipressure ng parents ko or anything, dahil dun napepressure ako. parang tuloy nawawalan ako ng patience sa buhay ko.
deng: but
sophia: dahil saan?
sophia: i think you have such a wonderful life nga eh! lagi kita kinukwento sa dad ko, pramis
deng: anyway, the good thing is that i'm excited to go looking for a job na. a future. though i'm still thinking of vet school. pero am genuinely excited of the future..
deng:
sophia: aaahhh...what are the possibilities na youre thinking of exploring?
deng: i do have a wonderful life and am SUUUUUUUUPER grateful. maybe it's just the sense of.. being independent is what i'm looking for. having to call things my own.
deng: coz of ME. coz of MY hard work.
deng: ganun.
sophia: ayun na nga! you're all set then! the search is on! bring out the shoes!
sophia: lady candice shall try them on!!!
BUZZ!!!
deng: hehe.. size 8 please. or 7. merci! merci! hihi! ....i have na places to visit when i get back from surigao. ..wwf,lakbay tv kahit abs,
sophia: madame sophia and lady candice and duchess czarevna
sophia: hihihi.
deng: UN
sophia: abs will wonder whose aura is brightening their halls
deng: environment broadcast circle.. lam mo yun?
sophia: go! go! go! am so excited for you! and i will support you all the way!
deng: yeah.. i will revolutionize lakbay and bring all those wealthy caucasians to our heavenly shores.
sophia: hindi ko alam yung environment broadcast circle
deng: browsed it sa web. tapos one of the heads si chin-chin gutierrez.
deng: wala lang.
sophia: oooh. chin chin.
sophia: hmm. i hear mixed reviews about her.
sophia: but if she can be behind such a worthy cause...
deng: o nga e.. parang eccentric siya
deng: talagang eccentric pala
sophia: sabi kasi ng theater people, maldita daw siya sobra eh.
deng: kakaiba.. activist na sosyal na ..feeling ko moody.. na masungit.
sophia: she did this one play with dulaang up.
deng: hihi!
deng: oooooh, wanna learn how to dive?
sophia: hihihi. kinda like "prostitute/serial killer/lesbian"
deng: yeah!! haha!!
sophia: sure! im up for learning as long as its within my capabilities
deng: i_am_a_lesbian_prostitue_serial_killer@yahoo.com.
deng: i want kasi to learn!!!
sophia: hihihi. i think...this is the yahoo winner!
sophia: saan tayo mag-aaral?
deng: kanina i asked yung sa padi sa powerplant. P11,500. 8-10 hours lecture, then 3 sessions sa pool, then yung outing dive na sa ANILAO.
sophia: oooh. magpapaalam ako.
deng: it can be all over and we'll be certified divers in a week.
deng:
deng: but then.... ayaw ng mom ko.
deng: pero i'll force it upon her!
deng: hihi!
sophia: cool! its not the cheafest in makati though
deng: oh no it certainly ain't cheaf!
sophia: hihihi ;D
deng:
sophia:
deng: just wanted to hug you
sophia: am glad we had this talk!
deng: me too.
deng: thanks.
sophia: thanks too! and you're welcome
sophia: what are you thinking candice?
deng: i'm thinking i've a long ways to go..
sophia: we all do! youve got so many to your credit na nga eh!
sophia: kaya yan!
deng:
deng: what credit...
deng: huwa?
sophia: i mean, hindi ka pa nagsisimula, marami ka na agad bankable pieces of work.
deng: yes....kaya yan. it's a pretty funky crazy adventure.
sophia: your award-winning thesis...howie severino's text, all those per project basis na racket...lahat yan nafa-factor in.
sophia: you're an ARTISTE waiting to be discovered!
sophia: lahat pag-aagawan ka if you show interest im sure
deng: those things..they feel empty though. dunno...maybe not. but still grateful.
deng: thanks...
sophia: hmm. basta remember what we talked about.
deng: i will conquer the world!!!!!!!
deng:
sophia: they may seem empty, but they are your ticket to being on the way to doing what you truly love!
sophia: we shall conquer the UNIVERSE!
sophia: like she-ra and he-man
sophia: masters of the universe!
deng: yes.. we shall. it is ours for the taking..to rise above our heads and bring it to heaven.
deng: huh?! hihi! basta yon.
sophia: mali-mali ba ang cartoon trivia ko.
deng: tama,tama.. ako si she-ra!
sophia: akala ko dun yun. diba si he-man...master of the universe?
sophia: hihihi...so ako si he-man
deng: hi, he-man sopho.
deng:
deng:
sophia: i am a lesbian_prostitue_serial killer
deng: _dominatrix.
sophia: ah, but of course!
deng: yun yung version mo. may DOMINATRIX na dagdag.
sophia: WA-PAK!!!
deng: meeeeeeeeeeOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW!!!!! prrrrrrrrrrrrr.......
deng: hihi!
sophia: hihihi.
sophia: yeeeps!
sophia: my dad is threatening to shut the pc down na!
deng: hehe
deng: ok!
sophia: ipepaste ko pa ito sa blog to document it now and forevermore
sophia:
deng: thanks again spohie..
deng: super.
deng: SUPER.
sophia: good night candice!
deng:
sophia: ako rin. i mean it!
deng: good night.
sophia: have a fantastic sleep
deng: you too!
sophia: and, wonderful dreams that you will remember in the morning, and every time to wish to remember
deng: oooh, maybe i should post it sa blog ko din. for more! :
deng:
sophia: i read it in your blog
deng: awww,thanks!!
deng: that would be fantastic.
sophia: yes, it would.
deng: thanks, thanks.
sophia: lets talk about dreams next time
sophia: good night deng!
sophia: MWAH!
deng: ok.
deng: mwah!
sophia: aluvyatilltheend!!!
deng: i love you till hugs go extinct.
sophia: aluvyatilltheend!!!
deng: hug! hug! hug!
deng: john lennon rules!!!!!!!!
deng: hihi!
deng: k.
deng:
sophia: aaaaahhhh...
sophia: this was a fun night
deng: it was a good night.
deng: my palm's are always itching lately
sophia: how different is fun from good?
deng: dunno why.
sophia: maybe it means you will come across a....
sophia: hand fungus.
sophia:
deng: i was agreeing when i said it was a good night. ..it was an add on.
deng: happy evening.
sophia: ah. okay
sophia: i thought we were comparing levels
deng: sophie...
sophia: yes candice?
sophia: lemme guess...
sophia: you LOVE my name.
deng: i'm having this... itch in my.. system. like... i wanna ...hmm.. could it be, "WORK" na? something like that.
deng: i guess it's a good thing.. that i actually "want" to work na..
deng: but it's more of... i want to have my own life na. find and form my own.. identity..life.. lam mo yun?? yon.
deng: serious thoughts attacks..
sophia: it could be.
sophia: i think though, that your identity now is not a problem at all. its quite brilliant if i may say so myself
deng: like, i'm actually getting scared of being too dependent sa parents ko. like i feel like it's not such a healthy thing.
deng: ..awwww......
deng: thanks.
deng:
sophia:
sophia: here are my thoughts on that: i think, your parents love you too much to see your being dependent on them as a burden. plus, they see naman how happy you are. and its not like naghihirap kayo or anything. i think, its because YOU love them too much kaya you don't want them to think na youre overextending your welcome. and you want to give them more reasons to be proud of you maybe?
sophia: at saka, wanting to be independent is never a bad thing naman eh.
deng: yes.
deng: super right.
sophia: are you still there candice?
deng: yeah but on being independent, it's like... i don't see myself being allowed to be independent by my mom. even if maybe she doesn't mean to. parang, she wants me to get a job, but she won't let me drive, and yung mga GUSTO ko talaga (ex. wwf) hindi siya super happy about it. she wants me to be successful para daw pag namatay siya or something stable na ko. pero hindi naman niya ko binibigyan ng "freedom" to be doing things on my own. parang, i feel as long as i'm in this house, being fed and supported by my father and mother.... i can never really ..explore and do the things i really want.
deng: ang haba.
deng: hihi!
deng: dunno if it makes sense. ..pero yun lang feeling ko.
deng:
sophia: hmm...
sophia: ganyan din naman ang feeling ko.
deng: so is it just a phase then?
deng: will this itch go away?
deng: can we live together na lang?
sophia: yung dad ko, he was never really supportive of my move to advertising last year, kasi feeling niya mas masusuportahan ako ng law profession, especially when he passes it on to me.
sophia: i was always resentful of that, until now.
sophia: kasi nakikita ko na totoo.
sophia: in your case, alam ko na hindi ganun.
sophia: still there?
Yahoo! Messenger: flyt_dengue has logged back in. (4/13/04 12:30 AM)
deng: hindi ganun what?
deng: sorry nag-loko ym, nadsicon.
sophia: kasi the field you want to explore is not as lucrative as advertising even.
sophia: siguro, nakikita lang ng mom mo na hindi kasi siya stable na field.
deng: o nga. my mom kasi likes yung mga networks, advertising, etc,etc.. parang kasi mas pwedeng ipagmayabang na type.
sophia: i know na hindi naman nagmamatter sayo talaga yung income as long as you love the work.
deng: e... ayoko dun e!
sophia: kaya lang, siguro iniisip lang din niya, papano na lang niyan pag wala na sila to back you financially? siyempre gusto nila na you will always have the comforts youre experiencing now.
deng: i sense that it bothers my mom that i don't care about the money. parang i feel na sa kanya feeling niya na hindi ako mabubuhay sa ganun. yeah, you're right na hindi kasi stabel tignan.
deng: the comforts na sinanay samin.
sophia: i dont think naman na yung tipong "yabang career" lang yung important sa mom mo. i think, more than that aspect, yung providing part that comes with the career is what she's worried about.
sophia: kasi, admittedly naman, it really doesn't pay well diba?
sophia: i think, if zoology paid well, hindi nga magiging issue yun eh.
sophia: i think she's just really worried about your well-being more than anything.
deng: yup.
deng: exactly.
sophia: gusto niya secure siya in the thought na pag wala na sila you will always have what you have now.
deng: yung providing part that comes with the career is what she's worried about. <- dizizit.
deng: but for me kasi... i can survive without all these extra things that i have now. like i could honestly live sa probinsya type of living e. parang.. hmmm.. napagod ako bigla mag-explain. hihi
deng: basta yon.
deng: yun nga. you're right.
deng: e so what should i do???
deng:
sophia: hmm.
sophia: siguro, you can try to experiment muna.
sophia: total, were young pa naman diba?
sophia: maybe, what you could do is enter a more stable career (that you could actually see yourself in), and then do the zoology thing on the side.
sophia: tipong, prod or content providing.
sophia: and then see how you can handle it.
sophia: like what i did when i opted not to take law muna.
sophia: i wanted to check out advertising, check out grad schools sa US, try to live there for a while, para alam ko talaga what i was saying no to.
sophia: kasi baka iniisip ng mom mo youre sayng no to those things without even trying. kaya hindi siya masyado supportive of your other causes.
sophia: if you really dont like it you could always quit naman eh.
deng: hmmmm...
sophia: siguro, the bottomline is you should find a way to apply yourself din na will provide more regularly. it doesnt even have to be prod, it can be business, it can be events, ikaw bahala.
deng: hmmm.
deng: ..
sophia: that way, you still have time to volunteer for your causes.
deng: hmmm...
sophia: kasi, if gusto mo naman talaga, makakahanap at makakahanap ka ng time
deng:
sophia: am i helping? making sense?
deng: i thought of that before.. kasi yung renting and providing video service na serious, you can really earn alot from it. tapos since sariling time ko, i could still do what i really love/want to do. ..pero iniisip ko pa lang e ayoko na!! is that normal?? parang dismayado na ko agad, parang pagod na ko kagad iniisip ko pa lang yung nag-vivideo ng mga events-events na wala namang saysay. duh. normal ba yun??
deng: yes, sophie, you're helping alot. i think i shall print this chat after.
deng: oh wait, sira pala printer ko. shet.
sophia: well, think of it this way. those jobs naman are what will allow you to have time for volunteering (what you really care for), parang the end justifies the means
deng: hmm..
deng: sometimes kasi i just think na life is too short to be doing things that you don't love.
sophia: second, kunyari you shoot events that may mean nothing to you personally (but indirectly, you share in the joy of the ones who will watch it, you help contribute to their happiness. and you get to capture it pa on film for all eternity)
deng: might die tomorrow and i'll end up doing nothing.
sophia: kaya mo nga isasabay diba?
sophia: para youre not really doing nothing.
sophia: i used to think that way din eh, but the reality is, when we start, we really cannot survive doing just the stuff we love.
sophia: are you still there deng?
sophia: am sorry. am i upsetting you with the stuff ive been saying na?
sophia: am just trying to put myself in your mom's shoes din, so you can maybe see stuff na you werent noticing before, or something?
BUZZ!!!
deng: still here!! no,no.... you're reeeeeally helping.
deng: i know naman din the points of my mom... i know i have to do a few sacrifices din naman... and stuff. yeah... i just.. need to hear it from someone else.
sophia: am glad then
sophia: ako rin, ganyan mag-isip.
sophia: pero now at least, im willing to work hard for it na.
deng: what do you want?
sophia: i see it as...preparing to put myself in a better position to help
deng: neat.
sophia: do you remember i said i wanted to be really rich?
sophia: so i could put up foundations, half-way houses, scholarships, etc.
sophia: a library!
deng: i just want to travel. be around the environment more.
deng: that's what i want.
sophia: and to travel too!
sophia: as in i reeeeaaaalllly wanna travel.
sophia: pero now, i cant afford to eh.
sophia: but when im a lawyer i will be able to.
sophia: and i will be able to help din while im still saving for all these things if i do pro bono
sophia: so i see that as my target for now.
deng: hmm.....
deng: i think...
deng: i'm confused as ever.
deng:
sophia: i think, until we die we will never be completely clear
sophia: i think we ARE supposed to be confused. bombarded with choices!
sophia: its the way God intended it! to show us how many roads we can take! how many shoes and lives we can try on! its all up to our imaginations!
sophia: kasi if everything were clear right away, life would be pretty boring. we'd be in a hurry to die and get out of it
deng: don't know which road to take..
deng: i wanna take them all!
sophia: you can take them all! all you have to do is start with one deng
sophia: just choose one first, and see where it leads you...
deng: k,k... but still don't know which.. hmm.. k.
sophia: until you take one you will never know diba? staying on the offsides waiting for the perfect opportunity isnt the key.
sophia: it doesnt have to be the right choice. i think our youth can afford us that.
deng: *nods head*
sophia: trail and error till we're forty!
deng: ok ok
sophia: forty centuries old
deng: but i hate trial and error..
deng: not that kinda person kasi e.. hmm.. maybe i should be..
sophia: life is trial and error
deng: hmm..
sophia: i think ha.
sophia: para lang yan nung nag-arki ka.
sophia: tapos nagbroad, tapos, nagfilm. trial and error.
deng: just gets ... crazier when you're older..
deng: though we are still young.
sophia: its not a bad thing. its what gets us to the better choices
deng: k.. but you are right sophie.. just..
deng: i think i'm just realizing now that kahit hindi ako pinipressure ng parents ko or anything, dahil dun napepressure ako. parang tuloy nawawalan ako ng patience sa buhay ko.
deng: but
sophia: dahil saan?
sophia: i think you have such a wonderful life nga eh! lagi kita kinukwento sa dad ko, pramis
deng: anyway, the good thing is that i'm excited to go looking for a job na. a future. though i'm still thinking of vet school. pero am genuinely excited of the future..
deng:
sophia: aaahhh...what are the possibilities na youre thinking of exploring?
deng: i do have a wonderful life and am SUUUUUUUUPER grateful. maybe it's just the sense of.. being independent is what i'm looking for. having to call things my own.
deng: coz of ME. coz of MY hard work.
deng: ganun.
sophia: ayun na nga! you're all set then! the search is on! bring out the shoes!
sophia: lady candice shall try them on!!!
BUZZ!!!
deng: hehe.. size 8 please. or 7. merci! merci! hihi! ....i have na places to visit when i get back from surigao. ..wwf,lakbay tv kahit abs,
sophia: madame sophia and lady candice and duchess czarevna
sophia: hihihi.
deng: UN
sophia: abs will wonder whose aura is brightening their halls
deng: environment broadcast circle.. lam mo yun?
sophia: go! go! go! am so excited for you! and i will support you all the way!
deng: yeah.. i will revolutionize lakbay and bring all those wealthy caucasians to our heavenly shores.
sophia: hindi ko alam yung environment broadcast circle
deng: browsed it sa web. tapos one of the heads si chin-chin gutierrez.
deng: wala lang.
sophia: oooh. chin chin.
sophia: hmm. i hear mixed reviews about her.
sophia: but if she can be behind such a worthy cause...
deng: o nga e.. parang eccentric siya
deng: talagang eccentric pala
sophia: sabi kasi ng theater people, maldita daw siya sobra eh.
deng: kakaiba.. activist na sosyal na ..feeling ko moody.. na masungit.
sophia: she did this one play with dulaang up.
deng: hihi!
deng: oooooh, wanna learn how to dive?
sophia: hihihi. kinda like "prostitute/serial killer/lesbian"
deng: yeah!! haha!!
sophia: sure! im up for learning as long as its within my capabilities
deng: i_am_a_lesbian_prostitue_serial_killer@yahoo.com.
deng: i want kasi to learn!!!
sophia: hihihi. i think...this is the yahoo winner!
sophia: saan tayo mag-aaral?
deng: kanina i asked yung sa padi sa powerplant. P11,500. 8-10 hours lecture, then 3 sessions sa pool, then yung outing dive na sa ANILAO.
sophia: oooh. magpapaalam ako.
deng: it can be all over and we'll be certified divers in a week.
deng:
deng: but then.... ayaw ng mom ko.
deng: pero i'll force it upon her!
deng: hihi!
sophia: cool! its not the cheafest in makati though
deng: oh no it certainly ain't cheaf!
sophia: hihihi ;D
deng:
sophia:
deng: just wanted to hug you
sophia: am glad we had this talk!
deng: me too.
deng: thanks.
sophia: thanks too! and you're welcome
sophia: what are you thinking candice?
deng: i'm thinking i've a long ways to go..
sophia: we all do! youve got so many to your credit na nga eh!
sophia: kaya yan!
deng:
deng: what credit...
deng: huwa?
sophia: i mean, hindi ka pa nagsisimula, marami ka na agad bankable pieces of work.
deng: yes....kaya yan. it's a pretty funky crazy adventure.
sophia: your award-winning thesis...howie severino's text, all those per project basis na racket...lahat yan nafa-factor in.
sophia: you're an ARTISTE waiting to be discovered!
sophia: lahat pag-aagawan ka if you show interest im sure
deng: those things..they feel empty though. dunno...maybe not. but still grateful.
deng: thanks...
sophia: hmm. basta remember what we talked about.
deng: i will conquer the world!!!!!!!
deng:
sophia: they may seem empty, but they are your ticket to being on the way to doing what you truly love!
sophia: we shall conquer the UNIVERSE!
sophia: like she-ra and he-man
sophia: masters of the universe!
deng: yes.. we shall. it is ours for the taking..to rise above our heads and bring it to heaven.
deng: huh?! hihi! basta yon.
sophia: mali-mali ba ang cartoon trivia ko.
deng: tama,tama.. ako si she-ra!
sophia: akala ko dun yun. diba si he-man...master of the universe?
sophia: hihihi...so ako si he-man
deng: hi, he-man sopho.
deng:
deng:
sophia: i am a lesbian_prostitue_serial killer
deng: _dominatrix.
sophia: ah, but of course!
deng: yun yung version mo. may DOMINATRIX na dagdag.
sophia: WA-PAK!!!
deng: meeeeeeeeeeOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW!!!!! prrrrrrrrrrrrr.......
deng: hihi!
sophia: hihihi.
sophia: yeeeps!
sophia: my dad is threatening to shut the pc down na!
deng: hehe
deng: ok!
sophia: ipepaste ko pa ito sa blog to document it now and forevermore
sophia:
deng: thanks again spohie..
deng: super.
deng: SUPER.
sophia: good night candice!
deng:
sophia: ako rin. i mean it!
deng: good night.
sophia: have a fantastic sleep
deng: you too!
sophia: and, wonderful dreams that you will remember in the morning, and every time to wish to remember
deng: oooh, maybe i should post it sa blog ko din. for more! :
deng:
sophia: i read it in your blog
deng: awww,thanks!!
deng: that would be fantastic.
sophia: yes, it would.
deng: thanks, thanks.
sophia: lets talk about dreams next time
sophia: good night deng!
sophia: MWAH!
deng: ok.
deng: mwah!
sophia: aluvyatilltheend!!!
deng: i love you till hugs go extinct.
sophia: aluvyatilltheend!!!
deng: hug! hug! hug!
deng: john lennon rules!!!!!!!!
deng: hihi!
deng: k.
Friday, March 18, 2005
sentiments on education
What's education for?
By Conrado de Quiros
Published on page A14 of the January 31, 2005 issue of the Philippine Daily Inquirer.
GILL Westaway, British Council executive director, had an interesting thing to say last week. The Philippines, he said, could be suffering from too many colleges and universities. "There could be an oversupply in some areas. In a country like the Philippines, where resources are scarce, it's better to have fewer universities with quality rather than allowing hundreds of universities that are diluting the overall quality." Westaway based his remarks on a one-year study made by the British Council with funding from the Asian Development Bank.
Well, if the point of education is merely to enable students to find jobs, then I agree with this wholeheartedly. A college or university education in this country is superfluous, even counterproductive. It is four or five years' waste of time and effort. A couple of months from now, thousands of college graduates will line up before their school officials to get their diplomas, and we will hear again, in editorials and various commentaries, about how so few of those hopeful faces will turn radiant in the next few years. Most of them will end up glum from unemployment. There are simply no jobs available for most of those commerce, accounting and communication graduates.
If the point is landing a job abroad, then the four or five years spent in colleges and universities are just as well a waste of time and effort. You won't be working as a doctor, lawyer, or media person in other countries anyway. They won't take you in those capacities simply because you have a degree in medicine, law, or communication from a Philippine university. Your employers are not entirely to blame, to go by the Newsweek ranking of colleges and universities some years ago, where Ateneo, UP and La Salle landed among the lower rungs of the ladder, a far cry from 30 years before when they were among the top 20 in Asia. You have a degree in medicine, law and communication from a Philippine university, you will work as a caregiver, a bank teller, or a fast-food attendant anyway.
If the point of education is to merely give students employment, here or abroad, we would be better off scrapping colleges and universities and putting up nursing and trade schools and schools that teach survival English across the country. Many colleges and universities are already doing it, opening up nursing departments in response to the demand for caregivers in the United States, Canada and elsewhere. And teaching functional English so the nurses and maids can communicate with their employers. I am not being entirely facetious when I say maybe we should also put up pop music schools. That's our main export to Asia-musicians and bands.
But if the point of education is more than just employing people, then the problem becomes a lot more complex, one that isn't solved simply by lessening the number of colleges or universities. The problem precisely lies in the fact that our whole educational system is now predicated on enabling students to find work. That is as narrow and unenlightened a view of education as you can get. The point of education is not just to enable students to work, it is to enable students to think. The point of education is not just to impart skills, it is to impart vision. The point of education is not just to prepare the youth to face the "outside world." The point of education is to educate.
I grant giving students the skills to find jobs is important as well, particularly for a country like ours. I found nothing short of heroic the efforts of my mechanic some years ago to see his son through dentistry and his daughter through nursing school. At the end of the day, he would pull himself up from underneath the car he had been fixing, grimy and sweaty, to greet his kids when they came home from school in their smart all-white uniforms. People like him have every right to expect his children's schools to give them a crack at a more secure future.
But that isn't all that schools can, or should, do. Certainly, that isn't all that colleges and universities can, or should, do. The business of colleges and universities is to bequeath to the world a generation that can think, that can aspire to know the what and the why and not just the how and the how-how-the-carabao. I remember again the irate letter-writer who demanded to know what I had against caregivers and maids-I had asked what we were doing turning ourselves into the toilet-bowl cleaners of the world-when both did completely respectable work. My answer then, and now, is that I have nothing against them, just as I have nothing against janitors and forklift operators. What I have against is the attitude that we can only exist in survival mode and that we can't be better. What I have against is an educational system that imagines its role in life to be to cater to the export labor market by producing standard entrants to it.
I remember again too the non-joke about Pinoy and Chinoy college graduates. When Pinoy graduates meet, they ask each other, "What job have you landed?" When Chinoy graduates meet, they ask each other, "What business have you opened?" We can say the same thing about the graduates of our colleges and universities and those of other Asian countries. When they meet, our graduates ask each other, "Which country do you want to go to?" When the graduates of other Asian colleges and universities meet, they ask each other, "Where do we want our country to go?" The first is called resignation, the second is called ambition. The first is called desperation, the second is called direction. The first is called getting by, the second is called getting ahead.
We just want the first, let's not bother reducing our colleges and universities. Let's scrap them altogether.
---
hmm. at least im reminded that im headed somewhere. amidst all the xeroxed sheets i have not read.
By Conrado de Quiros
Published on page A14 of the January 31, 2005 issue of the Philippine Daily Inquirer.
GILL Westaway, British Council executive director, had an interesting thing to say last week. The Philippines, he said, could be suffering from too many colleges and universities. "There could be an oversupply in some areas. In a country like the Philippines, where resources are scarce, it's better to have fewer universities with quality rather than allowing hundreds of universities that are diluting the overall quality." Westaway based his remarks on a one-year study made by the British Council with funding from the Asian Development Bank.
Well, if the point of education is merely to enable students to find jobs, then I agree with this wholeheartedly. A college or university education in this country is superfluous, even counterproductive. It is four or five years' waste of time and effort. A couple of months from now, thousands of college graduates will line up before their school officials to get their diplomas, and we will hear again, in editorials and various commentaries, about how so few of those hopeful faces will turn radiant in the next few years. Most of them will end up glum from unemployment. There are simply no jobs available for most of those commerce, accounting and communication graduates.
If the point is landing a job abroad, then the four or five years spent in colleges and universities are just as well a waste of time and effort. You won't be working as a doctor, lawyer, or media person in other countries anyway. They won't take you in those capacities simply because you have a degree in medicine, law, or communication from a Philippine university. Your employers are not entirely to blame, to go by the Newsweek ranking of colleges and universities some years ago, where Ateneo, UP and La Salle landed among the lower rungs of the ladder, a far cry from 30 years before when they were among the top 20 in Asia. You have a degree in medicine, law and communication from a Philippine university, you will work as a caregiver, a bank teller, or a fast-food attendant anyway.
If the point of education is to merely give students employment, here or abroad, we would be better off scrapping colleges and universities and putting up nursing and trade schools and schools that teach survival English across the country. Many colleges and universities are already doing it, opening up nursing departments in response to the demand for caregivers in the United States, Canada and elsewhere. And teaching functional English so the nurses and maids can communicate with their employers. I am not being entirely facetious when I say maybe we should also put up pop music schools. That's our main export to Asia-musicians and bands.
But if the point of education is more than just employing people, then the problem becomes a lot more complex, one that isn't solved simply by lessening the number of colleges or universities. The problem precisely lies in the fact that our whole educational system is now predicated on enabling students to find work. That is as narrow and unenlightened a view of education as you can get. The point of education is not just to enable students to work, it is to enable students to think. The point of education is not just to impart skills, it is to impart vision. The point of education is not just to prepare the youth to face the "outside world." The point of education is to educate.
I grant giving students the skills to find jobs is important as well, particularly for a country like ours. I found nothing short of heroic the efforts of my mechanic some years ago to see his son through dentistry and his daughter through nursing school. At the end of the day, he would pull himself up from underneath the car he had been fixing, grimy and sweaty, to greet his kids when they came home from school in their smart all-white uniforms. People like him have every right to expect his children's schools to give them a crack at a more secure future.
But that isn't all that schools can, or should, do. Certainly, that isn't all that colleges and universities can, or should, do. The business of colleges and universities is to bequeath to the world a generation that can think, that can aspire to know the what and the why and not just the how and the how-how-the-carabao. I remember again the irate letter-writer who demanded to know what I had against caregivers and maids-I had asked what we were doing turning ourselves into the toilet-bowl cleaners of the world-when both did completely respectable work. My answer then, and now, is that I have nothing against them, just as I have nothing against janitors and forklift operators. What I have against is the attitude that we can only exist in survival mode and that we can't be better. What I have against is an educational system that imagines its role in life to be to cater to the export labor market by producing standard entrants to it.
I remember again too the non-joke about Pinoy and Chinoy college graduates. When Pinoy graduates meet, they ask each other, "What job have you landed?" When Chinoy graduates meet, they ask each other, "What business have you opened?" We can say the same thing about the graduates of our colleges and universities and those of other Asian countries. When they meet, our graduates ask each other, "Which country do you want to go to?" When the graduates of other Asian colleges and universities meet, they ask each other, "Where do we want our country to go?" The first is called resignation, the second is called ambition. The first is called desperation, the second is called direction. The first is called getting by, the second is called getting ahead.
We just want the first, let's not bother reducing our colleges and universities. Let's scrap them altogether.
---
hmm. at least im reminded that im headed somewhere. amidst all the xeroxed sheets i have not read.
Saturday, March 12, 2005
crosses to bear
this whole entire month has been, quite literally, hell for me. but then you see someone and realize you are not the only one with a heavy cross to bear. there are in fact others more kind than you, more deserving than you, who are tested in the same heavy way, if not more.
my friend jessie is one. i could not imagine a kinder girl. she is really, really beautiful. both physically and inside. she is the kind of girl whom, when you share your problems with her, will be equally bothered and burdened, and will be beside herself with joy when you tell her something wonderful. she is the kind of girl who can say she prays for you every night and really mean it. i have never heard her utter a mean word to anybody. she works as a full-time mission worker for couples for christ. she is an angel walking on earth, as my friend deb says.
and yet, here i am, waiting for it to be 5:30 so that i can go to the hospital to visit her, and to talk to her so that she can try to find motivation to wake up. she, along with candy, another mission worker, were flung many feet away from an owner jeepney when it turned turtle in mindoro. and only weeks before she was supposed to leave for a much-awaited and much deserved sabbatical to india. now, she is still rather unconscious, unrecognizable, and weak beyond belief. the first time i saw her on the bed, i nearly cried. because i felt guilty for being mad at God at the hand He dealt me, when i knew that Jessie had all the more reason to be so. and all the more guilty because i knew that, even though her face was broken, and she cannot open her eyes to see or her mouth to speak, she was not angry with God. despite the many machines that were working to keep her stable, her face reflected the inner peace of someone who was comfortable in God's plan for her. and i felt ashamed.
my cross just suddenly seemed so inconsequential. so i suppose, for all of you who are thinking that nothing can lighten the load the are carrying, just remember that there is someone somewhere in the world more burdened than you. and remember to offer a prayer for them.
my friend jessie is one. i could not imagine a kinder girl. she is really, really beautiful. both physically and inside. she is the kind of girl whom, when you share your problems with her, will be equally bothered and burdened, and will be beside herself with joy when you tell her something wonderful. she is the kind of girl who can say she prays for you every night and really mean it. i have never heard her utter a mean word to anybody. she works as a full-time mission worker for couples for christ. she is an angel walking on earth, as my friend deb says.
and yet, here i am, waiting for it to be 5:30 so that i can go to the hospital to visit her, and to talk to her so that she can try to find motivation to wake up. she, along with candy, another mission worker, were flung many feet away from an owner jeepney when it turned turtle in mindoro. and only weeks before she was supposed to leave for a much-awaited and much deserved sabbatical to india. now, she is still rather unconscious, unrecognizable, and weak beyond belief. the first time i saw her on the bed, i nearly cried. because i felt guilty for being mad at God at the hand He dealt me, when i knew that Jessie had all the more reason to be so. and all the more guilty because i knew that, even though her face was broken, and she cannot open her eyes to see or her mouth to speak, she was not angry with God. despite the many machines that were working to keep her stable, her face reflected the inner peace of someone who was comfortable in God's plan for her. and i felt ashamed.
my cross just suddenly seemed so inconsequential. so i suppose, for all of you who are thinking that nothing can lighten the load the are carrying, just remember that there is someone somewhere in the world more burdened than you. and remember to offer a prayer for them.
musings of others more wise than i
these are things received from strangers who without their knowing it comforted me in some way.
Quickly let go
The energy you devote to being annoyed brings you nothing of value inreturn.
So choose to quickly let go of your need to be annoyed.
The time and energy you put into being offended adds nothing positive toyour life.
So decide to quickly let go of your need to be offended.
Winning petty arguments will do nothing to enhance your relationships.
So find a way to quickly let go of the need to prove that you're right.
There are many things that can hold you back.
But they'll hold you backonly as long as you continue to hold on to them.
Each day is filled with plenty of valid reasons to be angry, resentful,jealous, frustrated, offended and annoyed.
All that negativity can stop youcold if you allow it to take up long-term residence in your life.
So make the choice to quickly let it go.
And free yourself to soar above itall.
-- Ralph Marston
The Dance by Oriah Mountain Dreamer
I have sent you my invitation, the note inscribed on the palm of my hand by the fire of living.
Don't jump up and shout, "Yes, this is what I want! Let's do it!"
Just stand up quietly and dance with me.
Show me how you follow your deepest desires, spiralling down into the ache within the ache.
And I will show you how
I reach inward and open outward to feel the kiss of the Mystery, sweet lips on my own, everyday.
Don't tell me you want to hold the whole world in your heart.
Show me how you turn away from making another wrong without
abandoning yourself when you are hurt and afraid of being unloved.
Tell me a story of who you are,
And see who I am in the stories I am living.
And together we will remember that each of us always has a choice.
Don't tell me how wonderful things will be . . . some day.
Show me you can risk being completely at peace,
truly OK with the way things are right now in this moment,
and again in the next and the next and the next. . .
I have heard enough warrior stories of heroic daring.
Tell me how you crumble when you hit the wall,
the place you cannot go beyond by the strength of your own will.
What carries you to the other side of that wall, to the fragile beauty of your own humanness?
And after we have shown each other how we have set and kept the clear, healthy boundaries that help us live side by side with each other,
let us risk remembering that we never stop silently loving those we once loved out loud.
Take me to the places on the earth that teach you how to dance,
the places where you can risk letting the world break your heart.
And I will take you to the places
where the earth beneath my feet and the stars overhead make my heart whole again and again.
Show me how you take care of business without letting business determine who you are.
When the children are fed but still the voices within and around us shout that soul's desires have too high a price, let us remind each other that it is never about the money.
Show me how you offer to your people and the world
the stories and the songs you want our children's children to remember,
and I will show you how I struggle not to change the world, but to love it.
Sit beside me in long moments of shared solitude,
knowing both our absolute aloneness and our undeniable belonging.
Dance with me in the silence and in the sound of small daily words,
holding neither against me at the end of the day.
And when the sound of all the declarations of our sincerest intentions has died away on the wind,
dance with me in the infinite pause before the next great inhale of the breath that is breathing us all into being,
not filling the emptiness from the outside or from within.
Don't say, "Yes!"
Just take my hand and dance with me.
Quickly let go
The energy you devote to being annoyed brings you nothing of value inreturn.
So choose to quickly let go of your need to be annoyed.
The time and energy you put into being offended adds nothing positive toyour life.
So decide to quickly let go of your need to be offended.
Winning petty arguments will do nothing to enhance your relationships.
So find a way to quickly let go of the need to prove that you're right.
There are many things that can hold you back.
But they'll hold you backonly as long as you continue to hold on to them.
Each day is filled with plenty of valid reasons to be angry, resentful,jealous, frustrated, offended and annoyed.
All that negativity can stop youcold if you allow it to take up long-term residence in your life.
So make the choice to quickly let it go.
And free yourself to soar above itall.
-- Ralph Marston
The Dance by Oriah Mountain Dreamer
I have sent you my invitation, the note inscribed on the palm of my hand by the fire of living.
Don't jump up and shout, "Yes, this is what I want! Let's do it!"
Just stand up quietly and dance with me.
Show me how you follow your deepest desires, spiralling down into the ache within the ache.
And I will show you how
I reach inward and open outward to feel the kiss of the Mystery, sweet lips on my own, everyday.
Don't tell me you want to hold the whole world in your heart.
Show me how you turn away from making another wrong without
abandoning yourself when you are hurt and afraid of being unloved.
Tell me a story of who you are,
And see who I am in the stories I am living.
And together we will remember that each of us always has a choice.
Don't tell me how wonderful things will be . . . some day.
Show me you can risk being completely at peace,
truly OK with the way things are right now in this moment,
and again in the next and the next and the next. . .
I have heard enough warrior stories of heroic daring.
Tell me how you crumble when you hit the wall,
the place you cannot go beyond by the strength of your own will.
What carries you to the other side of that wall, to the fragile beauty of your own humanness?
And after we have shown each other how we have set and kept the clear, healthy boundaries that help us live side by side with each other,
let us risk remembering that we never stop silently loving those we once loved out loud.
Take me to the places on the earth that teach you how to dance,
the places where you can risk letting the world break your heart.
And I will take you to the places
where the earth beneath my feet and the stars overhead make my heart whole again and again.
Show me how you take care of business without letting business determine who you are.
When the children are fed but still the voices within and around us shout that soul's desires have too high a price, let us remind each other that it is never about the money.
Show me how you offer to your people and the world
the stories and the songs you want our children's children to remember,
and I will show you how I struggle not to change the world, but to love it.
Sit beside me in long moments of shared solitude,
knowing both our absolute aloneness and our undeniable belonging.
Dance with me in the silence and in the sound of small daily words,
holding neither against me at the end of the day.
And when the sound of all the declarations of our sincerest intentions has died away on the wind,
dance with me in the infinite pause before the next great inhale of the breath that is breathing us all into being,
not filling the emptiness from the outside or from within.
Don't say, "Yes!"
Just take my hand and dance with me.
Thursday, March 10, 2005
a test?
my post does not seem to want to show itself. i just want to show my birthday wishlist! waah. things to not seem to want to work.
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
a birthday wishlist
as mentioned earlier, march has always been one of my favorite months. mainly because its my birthday month, but also because when march comes, summer is never far behind. but this march is particularly trying because i have yet to get used to law school. and changes in the way i see everything about my life.
so to help me ease into my 23rd year of life, here are some little things that i hope to either receive or but for myself sometime in the near future.
ambitious desires
the complete claudine series by collete
griffin and sabine series by nick bantock
the chronicles of narnia by cs lewis
most likely to make me smile
archie comic books
a cd wallet (kahit na yung cheapie lang)
any chicklit (brits more than american)
pictures that are nice, interesting postcards, etc.
old children's books or any book you once loved
old sweet dreams or sweet valley high
HUGS! and please make them tight and long.
a flower picked from somewhere
a prayer
a card (if made by you even better)
an email
a cake
a note
a kiss on the cheek Ü
a new experience
a blind date mwahahaha (let us throw caution to the wind)
for things to be back to normal
so to help me ease into my 23rd year of life, here are some little things that i hope to either receive or but for myself sometime in the near future.
ambitious desires
the complete claudine series by collete
griffin and sabine series by nick bantock
the chronicles of narnia by cs lewis
most likely to make me smile
archie comic books
a cd wallet (kahit na yung cheapie lang)
any chicklit (brits more than american)
pictures that are nice, interesting postcards, etc.
old children's books or any book you once loved
old sweet dreams or sweet valley high
HUGS! and please make them tight and long.
a flower picked from somewhere
a prayer
a card (if made by you even better)
an email
a cake
a note
a kiss on the cheek Ü
a new experience
a blind date mwahahaha (let us throw caution to the wind)
for things to be back to normal
Monday, March 07, 2005
trying times
i was so excited for march to come. my birthday month. the summer month. days of scorching heat and lazy carefree days. but this has been the most trying month ever. i remember something a friend once told me. it was as if i had it in me to control the weather, because my mood seemed to dictate just how sunny a day would be. funnily, this past weekend has been filled with fog and drizzles. cold winds at nights when one is alone. as another friend put it last night, the winds are cold and the nights alone colder. nature conspiring against the singletons.
it seems as if times are hard for everyone around even. and despite the weight of my own problems, i suppose one has to see the silver lining anyway.
my good friend jessie barcelona, a missionary for gawad kalinga was in a car accident yesterday. it was an accident so bad that she had to be airlifted from mindoro to ust hospital and is still unconscious up to now. doctors say that a lot of nerves were damaged, especially around the eyes and we have yet to find out if she is still in the critical stage or on her way to recovery.
another good friend, diane, has been rallying her family at the heart center, waiting for results from her father's last operation to come out. he suffered a massive stroke last wednesday and has as a result a giant blood clot in the brain which has begun to water and has caused him to go into a coma. an operation to drain both the clot and the water was already done, and we are all waiting to hear if it will be enough damage control to get him out of the coma.
it is as if i keep on coming and going to hospitals. i wish i could be sick myself. but then again, at least my parental problems are of such nature that i don't have to be in hospitals, waiting for test results.
the one problem about being a girl whose identity is so enmeshed with that of her parents is that when you do undergo problems with them (i thought i never would) there's practically no one you can really tell.
so it is with this heavy weight that i wait to begin another week of this uncannily rainy march. i hope that when the monsoon lifts it will take with it my problems, or at the very least my heavy disposition. i miss being able to smile at anything. anything at all.
it seems as if times are hard for everyone around even. and despite the weight of my own problems, i suppose one has to see the silver lining anyway.
my good friend jessie barcelona, a missionary for gawad kalinga was in a car accident yesterday. it was an accident so bad that she had to be airlifted from mindoro to ust hospital and is still unconscious up to now. doctors say that a lot of nerves were damaged, especially around the eyes and we have yet to find out if she is still in the critical stage or on her way to recovery.
another good friend, diane, has been rallying her family at the heart center, waiting for results from her father's last operation to come out. he suffered a massive stroke last wednesday and has as a result a giant blood clot in the brain which has begun to water and has caused him to go into a coma. an operation to drain both the clot and the water was already done, and we are all waiting to hear if it will be enough damage control to get him out of the coma.
it is as if i keep on coming and going to hospitals. i wish i could be sick myself. but then again, at least my parental problems are of such nature that i don't have to be in hospitals, waiting for test results.
the one problem about being a girl whose identity is so enmeshed with that of her parents is that when you do undergo problems with them (i thought i never would) there's practically no one you can really tell.
so it is with this heavy weight that i wait to begin another week of this uncannily rainy march. i hope that when the monsoon lifts it will take with it my problems, or at the very least my heavy disposition. i miss being able to smile at anything. anything at all.
Thursday, March 03, 2005
thoughts when you are alone
ive always prided myself on not being ashamed of being alone. because really, there's no shame in that.
but what's hardest about being alone is having to listen to yourself as you process all the thoughts and feelings that you don't necessarily want to go through or listen to. all the while realizing that there is no one there to distract you.
suddenly, being alone all the time has become so difficult for me, and i don't know what happened to change that. you only have to look at the earlier post to catch on.
i feel different. and not in a good way. as if the weight on my shoulders is getting the best of me.
but what's hardest about being alone is having to listen to yourself as you process all the thoughts and feelings that you don't necessarily want to go through or listen to. all the while realizing that there is no one there to distract you.
suddenly, being alone all the time has become so difficult for me, and i don't know what happened to change that. you only have to look at the earlier post to catch on.
i feel different. and not in a good way. as if the weight on my shoulders is getting the best of me.
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
my theories and conjectures
today marks another day spent on the bench. spoke with pi and mel a little about my theories, and was rebuffed for both. but really, my theories do not mean to offend or to revolutionize the way others see relationship in general, or me in general.
theory number one: i have a feeling that it is i who constantly keeps on shooting myself in the foot (relationship-wise) because i feel i am not yet my best self and do not yet deserve to be happy beyond belief. in the same way that betty la fea had to be beautiful to win the guy in the end (the teleserye that launched a thousand theses), or sabrina had to be made over before she got the 2 men to fall in love with her, i guess i do not believe that i am there yet. the question: will i ever get there? i don't know. and that scares me. but the way i see it, if i were a book, and it was me on the cover, i don't think i would want to read about me. that makes me sad, but what can i do? i can't expect someone to magically be blinded and see me in this whole different light (e.g.not driven by pity) and fall madly in love with me.
theory number two: i dont believe in relationships. well, in exclusive ones, that is. feel like ive been burned by too many guys gone wandering to believe that seeing only each other is at all humanly possible. now, all i believe in i suppose is chemistry. if you guys hit it off, then well and good. if he decides he wants to see other people, then you're not as hurt. and no one has to lie about it. because none of you promised to be faithful. besides, how can you be sure that only you is enough for someone? ironically, someone's "i feel that what i give is sufficient speech" has gotten to me. but really, i think the labelling of "us" and "we" is scary. scary and presumptuous and hurtful. especially when one of you decides to leave. and you realize you were in fact never enough. never the practical choice, as sam says.
hmm. old issues. new day. i don't like this place. you don't have to agree with me, but sometimes i feel like i have no other choice but to be right.
ia la fea. today's new betty.
theory number one: i have a feeling that it is i who constantly keeps on shooting myself in the foot (relationship-wise) because i feel i am not yet my best self and do not yet deserve to be happy beyond belief. in the same way that betty la fea had to be beautiful to win the guy in the end (the teleserye that launched a thousand theses), or sabrina had to be made over before she got the 2 men to fall in love with her, i guess i do not believe that i am there yet. the question: will i ever get there? i don't know. and that scares me. but the way i see it, if i were a book, and it was me on the cover, i don't think i would want to read about me. that makes me sad, but what can i do? i can't expect someone to magically be blinded and see me in this whole different light (e.g.not driven by pity) and fall madly in love with me.
theory number two: i dont believe in relationships. well, in exclusive ones, that is. feel like ive been burned by too many guys gone wandering to believe that seeing only each other is at all humanly possible. now, all i believe in i suppose is chemistry. if you guys hit it off, then well and good. if he decides he wants to see other people, then you're not as hurt. and no one has to lie about it. because none of you promised to be faithful. besides, how can you be sure that only you is enough for someone? ironically, someone's "i feel that what i give is sufficient speech" has gotten to me. but really, i think the labelling of "us" and "we" is scary. scary and presumptuous and hurtful. especially when one of you decides to leave. and you realize you were in fact never enough. never the practical choice, as sam says.
hmm. old issues. new day. i don't like this place. you don't have to agree with me, but sometimes i feel like i have no other choice but to be right.
ia la fea. today's new betty.
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