wedding as a stranger

this afternoon went as pi's date to a friend's wedding at the meralco development center. i found the anonymity of everyone around me comforting, and it was surprising to realize that i had enjoyed going to this wedding as a stranger a lot more than past weddings i have been to of friends and relatives. perhaps it was because today there was no pressure on me to begin thinking about weddings myself. perhaps it was because there were no relatives to cluck at me and talk about me approaching spinsterhood. or perhaps it was just because the love of the two people getting married was so great that you couldn't help but be happy for them. i think, though all the reasons were true, the last one is the most true of all. i did not know them, but i took pictures like a crazed relative, wanting to document the lovely afternoon i had spent celebrating the joining of their lives in front of God and everyone.

this particular ceremony had special relevance to me because:

first, it was my first non-catholic wedding ceremony, and my first one actually done outside a church. i knew from books and magazine and tv shows how garden weddings can be so lovely, but sitting in one for real was way better than anything you could ever imagine. the greens, along with the tulle hangings, the lovely flower strewn pathwalk, and the entourage glowing in various shades of pink really set the mood for a perfect ceremony.



the second reason was because my date had a significant role in the wedding: she was the actual person who had introduced the groom to the bride years ago in a leader's conference in baguio. in the couple's own words, she had been intstrumental in their coming together. what was even more lovely about it was her name, which was almost serendipitous. as the groom told the guests, "it was faith (her name) that brought them together, and faith (their religion, both devout christians) that has kept together still.




the ceremony was short and sweet. the wedding itself was very intimate, and i doubt if there were more than a hundred people present, but you could really feel the love and happiness of everyone around them. as pi said, the groom kept on repeating how excited he was to get married to the girl who has kept him so enamored. lovely. my cheeks literally hurt from smiling so much.








pi and i were talking about how nice it was to go to a wedding with someone who wasn't cynical about love and marriage and everything that had to do with it, and i was surprised to realize that i had stopped being cynical without me even realizing it. when had i stopped? i really don't know. what's good is that i am able to be happy for people who have found love again. and that's what's important.

edsa is for the kids!

well, not really. but in a not-so-direct correlation, the revolution was put together so the future could have a better shot. these are just some of the kids ive had the pleasure of photographing in the recent past.

i love babiesÜ such sweetness and innocence in them. hug a baby today!

reconnecting

yesterday was really great because not only did i make new "better friends" (see post below) but i also got to reconnect with friends i haven't seen in a long long time.

sometimes all you need is spontaneity to make things happen. i haven't seen philip, my debsoc buddy/trainer in over a year, and haven't spoken to him in about the same time, even online. i thought it would take a huge spectacular occasion for us to see each other again, but all it took was a well-meaning ym message to actually meet up with him. and meet up with him i did. he was supposed to go to up for a trip to the alyansa headquarters, but had cancelled it, and so he didn't have to go to up anymore. but he was nice enough to still trek to up from makati for little old me. chatted about his jet-setting and his moneybags. hehehe. in a nice but hot walk under the trees, he semi-taught me how to change a car tire so i would not have to be all helpless and silly and dependent on a guy all the time. it was a nice time. and of course, a meet with philip was not complete without the usual sarcasm that he is famous for. quips like "you have to start thinking like a lawyer" and "oh, yeah that was believable..." were some of what i remember, but, as a nice end to the day, he texted me this:

gues wat, i jst gt hom. fter clas i met up w sum frnds eh.twas nice seein u again...n d trip to up was worth it =) lunch ws gr8 kc i enjoyd ung mga kwento mo. nytÜ



ahh. and no sarcasm. nice end.

but before the night ended, was also fortunate enough to meet up with my good friend kris, who is on cloud nine and loving it. it is really so comfortable to have friends you can go back to and pick up where you left off, and i was just delighted to see her so happy. talked about old times and new times as always. set up a monthly date every last friday of the month so we would not have to scrounge around for bits and pieces of the week to meet.

a nice day, and an equally nice nice. hope yours was as nice!

a park bench shared

one of the places ive come to love since this semester started is the park bench right in front of malcolm hall, along the sunken garden. while i have always been a fan of the benches since i was but an undergraduate freshman (where i was sitting the first time i was asked directions as a true blue up student; where i exchanged smiles with a bald cute stranger on a passing obvan, where i sat and exchanged kilig stories about crushes come and gone with members of the kumare club and barkada 2000), i think this particular bench i have come to love more now because its been instrumental in forming nice memories about the people i spend every day with now - my blockmates. and yesterday was no exception.

after a most unpleasant encounter with someone badgering me for a friendster testimonial, i ran into elson at the library, with me a bit down-trodden (is this right?) and glum because there was no one to spend the afternoon with and everyone else had gone home. he was nice enough to wait with me for my sundo, and we spent the afternoon talking under the trees on my favorite bench for a good 2 hours. and what a lovely afternoon it was. got to get to know elson a lot better, and got him to decide to be happy and optimistic about law school life. i see so much potential in him, and also a great desire to love and be loved. he is a very sweet boy in need of friends who will understand him and reaffirm his faith in himself. i have a lot of respect for him, because i know he is having a hard time going through the motions with this pressure to survive. not everyone can do that and not crack, and yet he manages to do what needs to be done. we shared thoughts over dirty ice cream and chocnut. i was so glad we could have that thought.

my dream is to be able to spend an afternoon on that bench with everyone in the block. get to know their thoughts, get to know about them. wonderful. the idea makes me tingly all over.

another reason why i love up so much.

i wasnt able to get a shot with elson (we were too busy talking) but here are shots i thought id share with you, taken both from that very park bench and on it. hahaha. for those of you in up, hope you find a spot you love too, and make something really special out of it. a great long weekend all!

when poise runs out

today, got all dolled up for my nephew's christening. wasnt going to make a big deal out of it, but since everyone was expecting my to bring a date (all the escalating kwentos were making everyone really expectant and i had promised i would get the nerve to ask him out), and i again would be letting everyone down, i thought looking all lady-like and dressed up would be enough reparations for now. i wore a tank top under a cardigan and a swirly skirt with high-heeled sandals. my hair was up. i took extra care in putting on makeup. really, i made an effort to look extra nice.

and so i was feeling pretty good about myself when i left for the house, drove in the nice car, was complimented by my aunt and cousin who i had picked up on how nice i looked, and i thought, finally, this would be an insult-free family gathering. no rude inquiries on why i was still single and lectures on how manang i looked and how i should really stop eating . and up until i got to the church there was none.

but of course, in true ia fashion, i just had to shoot myself in the foot. well, not literally. but it was more my feet did the shooting for me. since the church parking had been so full, i opted to park at the adjacent street around a pretty rotonda full of villagers. little did i know that there was a canal all around it. so when i alighted from the trooper, i literally fell on my knees into the canal, into the muddy soil, that was peppered with sharp little gray stones. and my face was buried into the shrubbery. i stood up and literally had twigs in my hair. and all this dog-walker could tell me was, "kanal yan eh." duh. like i did not know i was in a canal. he couldn't have told me earlier before i had gotten down and fallen into the pit that was hell. he did not even asked if i needed help. i just stood up on my own and walked the one and a half blocks back to the church. my big toe was bleeding, my left leg was littered with scratches (deeply cut). my left knee had 2 deep wounds the size of quarters. blood was dripping down my newly shaven leg. hay. so much for all the running i didn't do as a kid to avoid peklat. hay. i tried my best to look dignified walking down the street with blood running down my leg. sat down on a random seat and had my relatives all come up to me and ask what-the-hell-i-was-doing-wiping-my-leg-down-in-public. they of course saw my wounds and were nice enough to get me wet wipes, alcohol, and a million band-aids for the wounds. soon, everyone was laughing and they were all in agreement that it was reasons such as this that i was still hopelessly single. like i chose to actually fall face down into ugly shrubbery. hay.

i will have to save up for all the sebo de macho i will have to buy to save the horror that is my left leg. but really, i am not all that affected. i was dulas queen all through high school and college, and have survived more than my share of the most horrible falls a person could ever go through. and that was in front of random frat men and many many college crushes. i guess i was just shocked since this is the first bad fall i have had since i went back to school.

but poise is something you continuously work on. i suppose, in a manner of speaking, was the most poised girl-who-had-fallen-face-first-into-shrubbery-and-was-walking-with-blood-dripping-down-her-leg.

relief at the end of the day

yesterday i was so grumpy i thought nothing could stop the feeling of ickyness from settling down on my shoulders. who'd have known that my brother and my mom (two of the people who, though i love, admittedly bring my the most grief) would be the ones to bring cheer and turn around an otherwise bleak black day. (for more on my day, see post below.)

they were both ecstatic at my brother's winning the school song-writing contest with an original composition that he wrote, composed, sang, and performed for. grabe. when he really wants to, my brother can be so dedicated. so, we (my mom and me excluding the grumpy old bear that is my dad) were so happy that he was showing interest in something school related and being graded for it, decided to celebrate it during dinner. it was the best meal i think ive ever had this year. and to think that holy month fridays are something i dread seeing that i am not really a fish/seafood eater. we had crabs cooked the shasha (our old secretary-cum-beautician) way with sprite, garlic, ketchup, and peppers for sauce. i swear, it was so good that for the first time, i actually shelled the crabs myself. (usually, i just sit there like a cat and wait for shelled crab to be put on my plate by some pitying soul). but today, with my dad in absentia, and my mom slightly injured (one of the crabs did not die and ended up biting her finger, and really biting into it when she shook it vehemently), i had very little chances of getting crab. but it smelled so good that i forced myself to shell in on my own. and was licking fingers all. aaahhh. yummy. and as an added celebratory treat, my brother and i decided to buy cake for dessert at this new place near our house called lia's cakes in season. ohmygod. we bought the most perfect avocado sansrival and devoured it all. well, not all of it, but a good part of it, even if we were stuffed silly with crabs ala shasha. we were all literally near tears. it was that good. and i literally forgot that i was planning to go out and meet joanne and some of my blockmates. i just sat there all happy after such a wonderful meal. my silver lining had come at last. and it wasn't even the meal (okay, a lot of it was) that made me really happy. it was that we were all talking like nothing was wrong again. those times, it makes you feel like you want to come home after school. a warm feeling. making you happy to be home and not wishing you were somewhere else with someone else. and it gave me a sliver of hope that my brother was taking an active interest in school again. it ended up being a nice night anyway.

a waste of an entire day

and here i thought last friday was the year's most horrible friday i would ever have to endure. but i think this is the worst one so far.

i shouldve known last night when i couldnt sleep. it was a feeling bereft of any silver lining. you just knew that no happy thought could save it. even the texts i sent didnt seem to work. i was searching for answers to questions i didnt know to ask. and every single reply i got made me feel more empty than ever. empty and alone.

this morning, i woke up with a hopefulness that i could make the day straight, and was gifted with an early morning text that i thought would make my day. my one professor decide not to hold classes. and so i was free to plan my day according to how i saw fit.

i planned to settle everything. my plan even had studying involved in it. i said, id spend the day at my dad's, spend time with him and study there until the time came for the play to start. it was a combination of everything i had been feeling down about. not getting to do my set goals. not being able to study. not being able to spend time with my dad. well, he certainly set it straight. not only did he not get up from bed the whole day, but he also decided he would not even tell me that he really had no intention to. he didnt talk to anyone, was grumpy when asked if he wanted to eat anything and even grumpier when asked how he was feeling. i mean, forget being gracious. every attempt to ask how he was, even when i had decidedly conceded we were not going to push through with the plans, were shot down with such vehemence. he didnt even say. it was only at the close of the day that i realized that he was not even going to tell me to make plans of my own. and at this point, i was already furious at myself that i had let the entire day slip and spent it watching shows and movies i didnt care to watch. i hate it when a day like this comes. what a waste of time.

i just hope i can manage to scrounge around for hope to perk up whats left of my day here. resigned though i might be, i just dont think i could face sleeping tonight knowing this whole entire goddamned day went by and i did nothing to stop it.

oh, and for the meantime, no plans with my dad anytime in the near future. the feeling of disappointment reeks.

truths unearthed

from one girl to another. hahaha. the truth is finally revealed. REASONS WHY WOMEN CAN'T FIND THE MAN

1. The nice men are ugly.

2. The handsome men are not nice.

3. The handsome and nice men are gay.

4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.

6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.

7. The handsome men without money are after our money.

8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual,don't think we are beautiful enough.

9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual,somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.

10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!

11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.


NOW, WHO THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?

Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something
you'd like to have dinner with."

smile! we have a lot of stomping to do.

God blesses us with friends worth keeping for a lifetime

in a conversation not too long ago, a good friend disclosed that she felt friends in different periods of her life were there to help her "get through the phase" and are there primarily to serve that purpose alone. she called her approach to friendship output oriented and "user-practical".

after dinner with my high school barkada, i find it imposssible to agree with that friend. there are friends who, while they get you through the tough phases of particularly different points of your life, you keep for the long haul. because they mean that much to you. my high school barkada is one such group of friends.

we have been friends since the first year of high school. back in the day when i hated myself and how i looked. we have lived through our idiosyncracies (mine), temper tantrums (mine), anxiety attacks (mine), and failed relationships (theirs). and yet, we have stuck through it all. weight gain, weight loss, hair massacres, guys gone bad, guys who are the spawn of the devil, guys who pretend theyre single but are not, family problems, and everything else in between.

we used to pride our group in being the most "malait" and "maldita" group ever to have existed. our tongues were sharper than anything you could ever imagined. yet, even through the ugliest of ugly and most pathetic of the pathetic, we have stuck by each other.

this week, last february 14, we celebrated valentines day together for the 5th year in a row, and today, we got together again for joanne's 23rd birthday dinner. admittedly, it wasn't the best or the most outrageous dinner weve ever had, but it was the most honest one the 3 of us have been to. and i guess, even though we don't see each other as often, i feel closest to them now.

i hope everyone comes across friends like these. as i said to them last feb. 14, they (my friends) are the undisputed loves of my life. and i think they always will be.

risking it

i believe that i've never in my entire life consciously taken a risk. especially when it concerns getting hurt, being humiliated or both. why is that?

the proverbial question in teenybopper books and all forms of chicklit is what i ask myself now: in never risking anything, do i end up risking more?

would love your thoughts. need your thoughts is more like it. i cant rely on chicklit forever. am sounding too much like carrie bradshaw i think.

on settling

a new perspective. a conversation i had with a friend of mine last night gave me a different way to look at why guys and girls are together. he said, a guy would most probably be with a girl because he knows hes bringing enough to the table without him feeling na "nalalaki siya ng babae".

the conversation reminded me of an ally mcbeal episode i saw, when an overweight man was trying to back out of his wedding with an equally large woman because he knew he was settling for the only one he was sure he could get. what he really wanted was to be with ally, she was his star. his unreachable. the one who would make his life worthwhile, because everything about being with her was what he wanted in his heart of hearts. he asked ally to marry him and she refused, because, while she was her unreachable star, he was not hers. his fiance, the obese woman, went to ally and put everything into perspective. settling. i will always remember what she said. "sometimes, when we hold out for everything, we end up with nothing. you have to make do with whats there."

and so in the end they did marry. marry into a life of pleasant, albeit not perfect, togetherness. and it was ally who was alone. holding out for billy. holding out for everything.

sometimes i think this is why i am alone. because i am holding out for the one who will fit into the void, even with all his flaws. one who's shaped so irregularly that only he can fit as the final missing piece of the puzzle that is our heart. and yet, i cannot make myself stop waiting. because i believe he will come. 22 years down the road, i still do not want to settle. the passionate side of me cannot accept it. i believe we are put here not to settle but to seek out people who, because we love them so much, we will strive to become better for. and then we will realize that all the work we have gone through was well worth it.

when that particular ally mcbeal episode ended it closed with a song that i will always remember. right now, it is one that holds a special significance.

i know him by heart

there's a secret path ive followed
to a place no one could find
where id meet the perfect someone
ive kept hidden in my mind

where my heart makes my decisions
till my dream becomes a vision
and the love i feel
may seem real someday

'cause i know he's out there somewhere
just beyond my reach
though ive never really touched him
or ever heard him speak
though we've never been together
we've never been apart
no we've never met, haven't found him yet,
but i know him by heart.

am i living an illusion
wanting something i can't see
if i compromise, i'd be living lies
pretending love's not meant to be
but i know my heart's worth saving
and i know that he'll be waiting
so i'll hold on, and i'll stay strong till then

so for those who are holding out, know that you are not alone. there are still some of us left. and anyway, there's no shame in being alone. it's only a place to start.

the wallflower. me.

we didn't have a lot of dances. and even outside of school sanctioned activities, i never really went to a good deal of dances. and, EVEN when i did, growing up, i spent a whole lot of them standing on the sidelines, watching shy girls get approached by lanky boys, shaky hands extending, slow smiles spreading across sweet faces. and, in every one i went to, there i was, standing on the sidelines pretending not to care, observing everything around, observing my shoes, trying hard not to let the tears roll down my cheeks. pretending i was okay being alone there. the wallflower. i knew why i was alone, yet, i couldn't for the life of me do anything to change it.

years away from high school dances, i find myself still in the sidelines. standing alone. not dancing.

yet i love to dance. except nobody knows.

hello. this is what is in my head today.

i know i promised love stories everyday. but forgive me for not keeping my promise just yet. its just that, honestly, all the love stories ive been hearing have been getting to me. really. affecting me in a way im not liking. especially this close to february. i am very shaken. emotional. still happy, but melodramatic. like the bida in a telenovela. i feel like having a singular tear rolling down my cheek whilst looking faraway into the horizon. geez. hooboy. so, until the real unsappy me returns, please allow me to NOT tell love stories. will make up for lost days (until the 14th lang naman) when im recovered.

also, i would like to put it into writing that, well, i am getting back on the ground little by little. God-willing, i will be able to let go of the new kite ive begun to fly. hindi pa oras para sa saranggola. kaya siguro ako ganito. need to get a grip and let go. get a hold of my wits for a change and stop gazing at my shoes and gazing out at the horizon.


but, there are plenty more things to think apart from the romantic love i suppose. here are beautiful shots i came across today. a side of soldiers we almost never see. reminds us that they are people too. with hearts and feelings and fears of God.











wonderful. pictures that brightened up an otherwise manic monday.

bah humbug days

hmm. no wonder ive been so grumpy. no sleep literally in the last 2 days. and zits everywhere. its that time of the month. for me though, that time of the year. since i am very irregular. (but pretend i never said that).

so today started wonderfully, and ended up pretty blah. well, worse than blah. hmm. i wish to hug as many people as i can tomorrow.

needing a hug badly.

breakthrough.

oh my god. am so excited! i now know his name. franco. *tears*. thank you lordÜ

untitled

*a note before you begin. i have a feeling some will laugh out loud whilst reading this. a testament to how the same i am. but this was written three long years ago.

---

it's a mystery that i can never quite uncover, how i managed to throw away hours worth of practice at conversations which have encored so many times in my mind already. i could only shake my head and wonder where all the words had gone, just moments after i have so warmly welcomed and housed them in the lodgings of my mind. i tried many methods at harboring and maintaining a decent amount of composure, but like mold on a crusty piece of cheese when exposed to the sun, every single ounce of self-control disintegrates, and i just stand there, an unnoticed, formerly-mold-infested piece of cheese, waiting for a taker because the last one just went off. one would think after this long a time, i'd be immune to his kind of sunlight, but i was not. unfortunately, even the sound of his breathing was enough to send my senses into overdrive, hormones sprouting over like unwanted fungus, no longer able to function. heartbeats pounding at a whiff of him, soapy and clean. and when his long, lean frame walked into my line of sight, i saw everything was as perfect as it has always been. hormones dropped, my radar dies, a sharp untimely death. without a moment's chance to report to the control tower. it just dies. along with my hopes to exchange witty convivialities, my "what-do-you-think-of-the-situation-in-somalia-moments?". yet, he does not seem to notice my distress. with a confidence as steady as his heartbeat, he smiles at me and asks me how i am; a question as direct and as perfectly simple as he is. as always, he waits patiently as i process this last question, his smile slowly becoming uncertain. and as always, i do not answer, a million curses running through my head. unfortunately, this question is one i have not practiced beforehand. it is with these thoughts in mind that i watch his back get smaller and smaller, farther away from me. he walks away. unassuming. innocent. perfect.

the meeting

in the time that it took for him to pick me up from where i had fallen, i had taken in all of him: coffee-and-cream skin, gelled hair and thick eyebrows, a strong nose and brown lips, a silver hoop in his left ear and three moles directly above it, longish strands of hair curling at his nape, strong shoulders supporting a cyan Lacoste shirt; in the grip of his hand i felt the security i had longed for and the company i was meaning to have - so really, in that moment i knew everything that i needed to know about him. all except his name.

love stories

as promised, since it is February, every entry of every day will contain a love story. fortunately and unfortunately, i have no time as of the moment to come up with new stuff. but, (and here comes the fortunate part, this is a chance for all of you to get a glimpse of how i was when i was younger - exactly the same. hehehe) it is up to you to decide whether or not you believe the stories to be true.

also, since i missed a day (due to review for consti midterms last night), there will be 2 posts today. hope you enjoy them!

fabulous pics thanks to leo

went to destino last friday and had the privilege of seeing the fabulous new avp thanks to my *ahem protege leo. hihihi. well, not really protege, but had the wonderful blessing of sorta seeing him develop into the cool guy he is now.

the video showed pics of us in pagudpod and vigan and la union and just reminded me of how happy we were when we were there. they were great pics by the way, and so for posterity's sake, here they are for you to see: me deng chely tans mark and leo. fun fun fun.

thoughts

today i spent the entire day, well, a good part of it studying for the consti midterms. its funny, because me reading 1 week in advance for the midterms is actually considered cramming already. hilarious. brings me back to the days in masscomm when reading the notes an hour before the exam was always sufficient study time. hah.

which reminds me of a rather significant moment that took place in mass comm last week. (i almost forgot to write about it). was in masscomm to get ana f's MA application for com res when i ran into maam jo. (my tv production professor, famous for being meticulous). who i really wanted to run into was sir tiongson because i really really miss him, but seeing that he died, it would have been quite impossible. when asked by her what i was doing now, i promptly looked down and answered softly "law po." (knowing she would be upset since she was one of those who believed i was truly on the path of production greatness, having nominated me for my psa to get to the catholic mass media awards) but to my surprise, she held me squarely by the shoulders ( i thought she was going to start shaking me) and said "law? bagay. paghusayan mo yan miss lee."


gosh. an annointment from my masscomm superiors? i was shaken up for all of 2 minutes.

but now here i am trying my best to pretend that a) i dont have a midterm coming up in 2 days and b) i DO have a midterm but i have already sufficiently reviewed for it

of course i have not so i guess this will all have to end now.

also, in the spirit of valentines day, i, like rosanne, have decided to go and do a series of peculiar love stories till the 14th. hihihi. they shall of course, be weird and old, since i have no more time to write new stuff. unless i become inspired all of a sudden.