the end of an era

last weekend, one of my best friends, anna, got married. it was a fabulous ceremony. a wonderful wedding.

funnily, it didn't occur to me that she was getting married for real till the night before the wedding. i couldn't sleep thinking about how the change in hers would affect my life. anna getting married made me realize for the first time that im in that era of my life too. gosh. dancing around, dipping my feet in the pool of them-who-shall-be-next. 

its difficult to imagine that i will never have one of those single-girls-who-date-about conversations with anna. we will never be in the same boat. will she still be able to understand my rants about the average-everyday-male we were so used to before she met dy? deb and i were talking the other day about how our roles in anna's life would be different now, and how lost we both felt in all this, but i told her i thought all the more that this is the time when anna would be needing us to be the same, the one constant in a period that's all about changes. but i'm happy for her, so it's okay. like deb said last friday, anna's getting married is a testament that all our dreams have a hope of coming true. 

what's weird is, im not at all too excited about my turn. in my head it's a given that it's not coming. and to me that's okay. deb says this is the start of a long slew of conversations to rehabilitate what's left of my optimistic side. it comforted me in a way. anna getting married has made me see that deb and i are more similar than i once thought. in a span of two weeks, she's become such a good friend. its the start of something new.

but anna married. it really is the end of an era. im going to miss us.  

talk is cheap? i think not.

sophia: mare, hidni ka punta sa chapter assembly
Gail: hindi egh
sophia: networking chorva?
Gail: oo
Gail: kailangang kumita eh
sophia: hmm.
Gail: kaw?
sophia: hindi na rin siguro
sophia: hindi ka naman punta
sophia: and hindi pa ako nag-aaral
sophia: mare, puro reklamo ba ang naririnig mo from me tungkol sa law?
sophia: sa totoo lang
Gail: oo, ung ibang sinasabi mo kung hindi reklamo tungkol sa mga boys which is not really bad...
sophia:
sophia: nagagalit ka na ba sa akin?
sophia: sige. hindi na ako magsasalita
sophia: masama ba yung labas nun?
sophia: nahihirapan talaga ako eh.
sophia: tapos, ang nakakapagpalubag ng loob ko na lang pag iniisip ko na bobo na ko ay yung thought na kahit na ganun, may naaliw pa rin sa akin.
sophia: parang, nag-gigive up na ako sa thought na pwede pa akong tumalino sa law.
sophia: naintindihan mo?
sophia: hindi ko mapagtanto kung tama pa yung mga dahilan ko sa pagstay.
sophia: anjan ka pa?
Gail: oo
Gail: nagsstaple ako eh
Gail: well
Gail: maybe u have to think things thoroughly
Gail: hoy
Gail: nandyan ka pa
sophia: oo, nag-aayos ng files.
sophia: mag-aattempt ako mag-aral maya-maya.
sophia: mare, efeling mo ba kaya ko to?
sophia: ako, araw-araw, parang nababawasan yung kasiguraduhan.
sophia: lagi ko sinasabi, its only a place to start. pero, parang, nahihirapan na ako maniwala.
Gail: oo
sophia: parang, walang dumadating na proof.
sophia: na dapat pa ako nandito.
Gail: kya lang feeling ko ur so bothered by so many other stuff
sophia: kasi hindi naman ako nag-iimprove
Gail: nawawala ang focus mo
Gail: lam mo, patience is a very useful with ur situation right now
Gail: hindi naman lahat nakukuha sa blis
Gail: bakit naman naiisip mo yang mga bagay na yan?
sophia: eh kasi kanina nagka-recit na naman ako tapos panget pa rin
Gail: isipin mo ung mga times before na sobra kang desperate to get in sa law school
sophia: eh ito na yung subject na iniisip ko na makakakuha ako ng maayos na recit kasi gusto ko yung teacher
Gail: feeling mo the world will stop pag hindi mo un nagawa
Gail: well ganun talaga me mga bagay naman na kahit gaano mo kagusto hindi ka magiging magaling ng ganun kabilis
sophia: tapos this girl hindi talaga siya ang-aral, tapos she got a better grade than me.
Gail: well it happens naman maski nung undegrad pa tau diba
Gail: some groups did not prepare well pero they were able to perform better..minsan subjective kahit tingin mo pangit mataas pa rin grade nila...why dont u start in thinking that u like what youre doing
Gail: dont like it because u get good grades in it
Gail: isipin mo
Gail: its good to be on top of the class from the beginnig
Gail: pero kung at this moment hindi mo pa kabisado at nag-aadjust ka pa lang sa mundong ginagalawan mo
Gail: dont force it..
Gail: di ba mas maganda na u started from nothing pero in the end u will be on top of the class
Gail: wag mong isipin na u have to be great from the start..u have to do your best
sophia: i wanna be at the top of the class!
sophia: but it seems like its such an impossible feat.
Gail: pero it doesnt mean hindi ka na mapupunta sa top
Gail: impossible is nothing...
Gail: impossible is an opinion
Gail: its a possibility
Gail: impossibility is one option
Gail: dont choose that
Gail: choose the other one
Gail: ive been in that kind of situation before
Gail: one thing i realized now
Gail: mahirap talaga
Gail: and theres no other way for you to go but mive forward
Gail: u simply have to be strong and patient
Gail: alam mo ung gusto mo na lang lamunin ka ng mundo>
Gail: ?
Gail: ganun
Gail: as in ayaw mo na pero wla kang choice?
Gail: oy email mo sa akin ang thoughts mo
Gail: pour it out
Gail: alis na ko
Gail: ia,
sophia: okay mare
Gail: ill just be here for you
sophia: salamat sa words mo.
sophia: sana magkita tayo
sophia: para maka-iyak ako
Gail: i really want to know how you feel exactly
Gail: oo nga eh
Gail: teka
sophia: feeling ko, hidni ko ma-express
Gail: kaya mo yan ]
Gail: get it out
Gail: ok
sophia: natatawa na lang ako lagi pero sa totoo lang bobong bobo na ako sa sarili ko
Gail:
Gail: now is the time to make yourself your best ally
Gail: if not now kelan
Gail: kung hindi mo kaya sino?
------

sophia: hi faith
Pi: hi ia!
sophia: hay.
sophia: i had recit again
sophia:
sophia: i havent had a good one ever
sophia: shocks.
sophia: am starting to get discouraged.
sophia: honestly, i think i get too distracted by peripheral things. like, boys
Pi: *patpatpat* don't be.
sophia:
sophia: sa totoo lang ha.
sophia: may ghad.
sophia: am becoming a giggly girl pi!
sophia: Pi:
sophia: its not funny!
Pi:
sophia: minsan i just really cant concentrate kasi im too busy being kilig.
sophia: parang, ive become study-impaired.
Pi: ia = )
Pi: ?
sophia: pero, really, im starting to think i dont belong.
sophia: even when i do get to study, i still get beyond bad recits.
sophia: then when i was thinking about it this morning, i havent had a good one pala. sophia: no wonder everyone seems to think im stupid.
sophia: it shows
Pi: ia, you are being overly paranoid.
Pi: you should get over that insecurity. you all passed the entrance exams and interviews for law, right? you're all on equal footing.
Pi: now if you continue to think that way, you might condition yourself to believe that...and that's crap. you're as good as the rest of the people you're with. even better.
sophia: but why do i seem to be shooting myself in the foot with all my recits?
sophia: this is bad, but this girl ran circles around me, and she didnt even study! grabe. sophia: i studied, and then, nothing.
sophia: was drawing answers like they came out of a hat. praying to god i got the right one. sophia: shet.
Pi: maybe you're too busy being nervous.
sophia: i dont know
Pi:
Pi: just resolve to do better next time. and if boys are distracting you, will yourself to set them aside when it comes to study time.
sophia: faith, i keep telling myself na where i am now, its just a place to start.
sophia: na i can only get better in time.
Pi: and believe it.
sophia: but i find it harder to believe everyday
Pi:
Pi: we all have bouts of self-questioning.
sophia: ive never had one that lasted this long and felt sooooooo real.
sophia: grabe, i know im always the one who seems to be complaining pi, but thanks
sophia: really.
sophia: you think im cut out for this?
Pi: yes i do.
Pi: i really do.
Pi: sophia:
sophia: thanks.
sophia: i seem to be working on the basis of everyone else's belief.
sophia: parang, now, i find it hard to convince myself again.
Pi: we wouldn't have believed if you didn't in the first place ia.
sophia: oooh. kinda hard to do that now.
sophia: dont stop believing!!!
Pi:  i wont >:D<

prints

i have these pair of black wedge naturalizers that ive literally worn out. the edges are going to give way any day now. ive used them so many times that the cushion is like a mast for my foot. extremely exact. you know how it feels when you have a couch you keep throwing yourself on, or a favorite side of the bed you keep lying on, and your contour is imprinted on the cushion?  that's just about how i feel in law now.
 
i feel as if im making prints in malcolm hall. little by little. more comfortable? maybe. we'll see. at least i don't wake up on the verge of tears like in my last job everytime i think about what i have to do to get through the day.
 
last saturday i brought my masscom sensibilities to my law saturated blockmates. we had a shoot in the middle of the sunken garden. and i was the one behind the camera. it felt weird. and i had forgotten a lot about the work. after reading case after case after case, it seems so foreign to me now. not isolated, but foreign. 
 
i missed it! i missed editing. but i feel freer to move in law now i suppose. after all the recit humiliation, and the fat girl episodes.
 
i keep on telling myself, it's just a place to start.
 
the other day, i asked my dad for permission to change to night class, and he graciously allowed me to. i don't know if i will seriously take him up on that, but it feels good to have room to move. my dad is too good to me. really. i think he's God's biggest blessing. sometimes i wonder if i deserve someone like him.
 
the whole media thing is enveloping my head again. i can't help but get excited! or is it another way of shooting myself in the foot? 

i dont know which direction to take myself. most days i let my lazy self get carried away and just literally stop working. its bad, i know, but i feel as if myself again. when i was in masscom. i dunno if thats a good thing or a bad thing.
 
im getting a bit sleepy. this is what law school's done to me. :)
 
more thoughts to come. i hope.
 
as edited the night after by yours truly =)

fast and faster

my weeks seem to go by so fast now. when before i couldn't wait for saturday to come, now, it seems to just keep on becoming saturday. (which is no longer good, since dan gat is my saturday class and i can never seem to read everything that i have to for his class.)

but i live for saturdays.

am getting used to it actually. this is the college life i never had when i was in masscomm. now, i go to class in the morning, have lunch at the caf with my blockmates, photocopy readings and am at home by 1 or thereabouts. i study and have dinner at home. which is so different from undergrad because i never had a reason to be home then till after dinnertime. and even after dinner, i stopped at starbucks and talked my heart out till it was time for all of us to be at home, and tomorrow we could do the same thing again.

it feels weird, because now, i feel like i can live at home again. i can sit down and have lunch and dinner with my mother and brother and talk about the day. like a normal family? and with my mom? its living proof that things have changed. and how.

i miss lunches and dinners with my dad though. and hanging out with the lawyers in his office. and talking with them about how wonderful law school life is going to be.

now am actually living it. and its quite different from what i expected. but am coping.

i had my first recit with dan gat yesterday. it wasn't the best, most groundbreaking phenomenal recit ever, but i think i passed. a dos at least. or better. i can't believe i cried every friday night because i was so scared of failing. pero i know that my recit is an act of mercy on God's part. to be the first to be called to talk about the ONE article that i actually knew. it was as if the heavens opened up and God said "I will take of you. You know that."

i feel so blessed.

I know I will improve.

I miss my friends!

I really do. Last night, I was with my block. Last week, I was with them too. Kami na lang talaga ang nagkikita. I miss the dinners and long conversations overpriced coffee with my friends. Now its been beer in bars over clouds of smoke. And i am the different one. Sober and coughing.

It's weird. Not bad, just weird. I miss the security of knowing exactly what would be happening at the end of the evening.

ah, but am not complaining. Life has been good. I'll leave it at that.

...

i seem to be doing a lot of complaining. today, i sort of finished what i was supposed to do. for the first time. of course, finished is different from mastered, but i suppose that will have to do for now.

the other day, a friend texted me saying that if i was just going to spend the time i had in law complaining about it, then i might as well just quit.

what's weird is, i love law school. i really do. well, most parts of it. i love waking up and dressing up to go to school. i love talking to my blockmates early in the morning. i love that theyre all so smart. i love that im given responsibility for my class. i love that we always eat lunch together after class. i even love that time we spend at the lib photocopying all of the readings we have to tackle.

what i don't love is me. not understanding the stuff. me in the mornings, feeling like im about to shrivel up and die. because i dont know what i can recite.

hooboy. if im complaining, its not because im not happy where i am. its because i want so badly to stay, but i'm not sure i have it in me to survive the throng.

and in the periphery, i keep thinking of all these things i COULD be doing without much difficulty apart from law. where i could be seen as brilliant. i feel as if i might be taking the long road to the ocean, and if i dont hurry up, i might miss the ship.

where am i supposed to go?