sadness that only an elephant hug can cure

this weekend has been horrible. recits left and right. 2 hour persons classes everyday, 4 hour crim classes, and me up for recitation in all my classes.

i have failed myself in method. studied like hell only to forget it all when i stood up. so now, i am .08 shy of the passing mark right before the practically-impossible-to-pass finals exam.

and now a rift with the one person who would have understood.

i feel alone. in the middle of piles of readings. and asking myself if it is all worth being this miserable for.

i saw this girl get lifted up into the air by an elephant while she was hanging onto its tusks. and the elephant hugged her with its trunk. it looked extremely comforting. so now i wanna go to thailand.

or

be able to do the goddess workout. like this girl i saw dancing to the beat of bongos. how women can look that beautiful all on their own in a skirt and shirt sans makeup is beyond me. almost nearing 23 and still a long way to go.

aren't sunday mornings supposed to be wonderfully lazy?

i feel this pressure to do all these things that i know i cannot.

apart from the already existing pressure to finish my recit reviewer for tomorrow's 3 hour consti block. and as professor sison says, i'm on board.

hooboy.

for lack of imagination

after an afternoon of staring at my books, no creative spark. just wanted to impart stuff about me anyway. a break from the LAW. thanks to chicco for the survey...

DIRTY LITTLE SECRETS!
MARK THE ONES YOU NEVER DID

( ) I've Never Been Drunk
(x)I've Never Smoked Pot
(x) I've Never Kissed A Member Of The Opposite
Sex
(x)I've Never Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex
(x) I've Never Crashed A Friend's Car
(x) I've Never Been To Japan
( )I've Never Been In A Taxi
(x)I've Never Been In Love
(x)I've Never Had Sex In Public
(x) I've Never Been Dumped
(x)I've Never Done Cocaine
(x)I've Never Shoplifted
(x)I've Never Been Fired
(x) I've Never Been In A Fist Fight
(x) I've Never Had Group Intercourse
( ) I've Never Snuck Out Of My Parent's House
(x) I've Never Been Tied Up
(x) I've Never Been Caught Masturbating
(x)I've Never Regretted Having Sex With Someone
(x)I've Never Been Arrested
(x) I've Never Made Out With A Stranger
(x)I've Never Stolen Something From My Job
(x)I've Never Celebrated New Years In Time
Square
( ) I've Never Gone On A Blind Date
( ) I've Never Lied To A Friend
(x)I've Never Had A Crush On A Teacher
(x)I've Never Celebrated Mardi-Gras In New
Orleans
(x) I've Never Been To Europe
( ) I've Never Skipped School
(x)I've Never Slept With A Co-Worker
(x)I've Never Cut Myself On Purpose
(x)I've Never Had Sex At The Office
(x)I've Never Been Married
(x)I've Never Been Divorced
(x)I've Never Had Sex With More Than One
Person Within The Same Week
(x) I've never Posed Nude..
(x)I've Never Gotten Someone Drunk Just To
Have Sex With Them
(x)I've Never Killed Anyone
(x) I've Never Received Scars From My Sex
Partner
(x) I've Never Thrown Up In A Bar
(x) I've Never Purposely Set A Part Of Myself On
Fire
( )I've Never Eaten Sushi
(x)I've Never Been Snowboarding
(x) I've Never Had Sex At A Friend's House While
They Were Throwing A Party
(x)I've Never Had Sex In A Dressing Room
(x)I've Never Flashed Anyone.
( ) I've Never Met Anyone From Online.

hmm. ive obviously never done a lot of things. next list someday soon, things i wanna do.

buying time to relax

Put an 'X' to those that apply to you

[x] I have an eating disorder. - if eating too much is a disorder. :p
[x] I'm short.
[ ] I'm tall.
[ ] I think I'm really attractive.
[ ] I prefer winter over summer.
[x] I'm a geek.
[x] I'm a shopaholic.
[x] I'm reasonably intelligent.
[ ] I'm attracted to girls.
[x] I'm attracted to boys.
[x] I like British accents.
[ ] I smoke regularly.
[ ] I smoke socially.
[x] I drink socially.
[ ] I drink regularly.
[ ] I get drunk easily.
[ ] I do drugs.
[ ] I will never date a bad kisser.
[ ] I've lied to avoid kissing them again.
[ ] I brush my hair at least 50 times a night.
[ ] I'm religious.
[x] I'm not religious but have morals.
[ ] I lie frequently.
[x] I'm impulsive.
[x] I'm hardworking.
[x] I liked Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind
[ ] She's All That is one of my favourite movies.
[x] I'm good at History.
[ ] I speak more than 2 languages.
[x] I enjoy taking pictures.
[x] I like spending money on myself.
[x] I like spending money on others.
[ ] I have a regular income.
[ ] I earn money on a job-by-job basis.
[ ] I pay my own bills.
[x] I rely on my parents for money.
[x] I can cook.
[ ] I enjoy cleaning.
[ ] Tidyness is a must in my life.
[ ] I like clutter.
[ ] My idea of good music is Britney Spears.
[ ] I have heard of Blonde Redhead.
[ ] I enjoy Blonde Redhead.
[x] I'm fashion-conscious.
[x] I have good taste. - i believe i do!!! food, clothes, people
[x] People tell me I have good taste.
[x] I (used to) excel academically - nothing is more true than this
[x] I'm told I have yet to fulfill my potential.
[ ] I'm good at/(brave enough to try new) sports.
[ ] I'm good at certain sports.
[x] I couldn't do sports to save my life.
[x] I'm creative.
[x] I'm artistically inclined.
[x] I wanna be an artist when i grow up.
[ ] I wanna be an engineer when I grow up.
[x] I eat when I'm upset. -- hooboy
[ ] I cannot adapt to change.
[ ] I'm interested in politics.
[ ] I have shoplifted. haha!!! =)
[x] I download MP3s.
[x] Ive done underage drinking.
[x] Ive gone underage clubbing.
[x] i can dance reasonably well.
[ ] I can dance extremely well.
[ ] I dance like a cardboard gorilla. wtvr it is =)
[x] i can sing.
[ ] I sing like someone stepped on my foot.
[x] i can swim. - i can float. does that count?
[x] I enjoy surveys.
[x] I enjoy surveys when I'm bored.
[x] I keep a journal.
[x] My teachers dont like me.sometimes i think they're out to get me
[x] I enjoy controversy.
[x] I can be a bitch/bastard.
[x] i have a thing for bad boys/girls.
[ ] I have tattoos.
[ ] I've been in a nudist colony.
[ ] I'm not sure if I want to have children.
[x] I'm not sure if I'll get married.
[ ] I know who I will marry.
[x] Someone has a crush on me. haha! yung mga ants who keep biting me
[x] I'm interesting.
[x] I'm a good liar.
[x] People enjoy talking to me.
[x] I annoy people from time to time.-everyone has to once in a while
[x] I'm a born leader.
[ ] I'm a born leader but shouldn't lead.
[ ] I've snuck out of the house.
[ ] I enjoy felching...I know somebody who does. lol!
[ ] I have a foot fetish.
[x] I have a shoe fetish.
[x] I watch Sex and the City.
[x]I don't think Sarah Jessica Parker is pretty. -but very well-dressed
[ ] I wanna be J.Lo.
[ ] I cut myself.
[ ] I've cut myself.
[x] I hate people who pretend to be suicidal.
[x] I hate popular people. if its high school popular...baka
[x] I think cheerleading is a sport.
[x] Im photogenic.
[ ] I live in Chucks.
[ ]I think graffiti is art.
[ ] I have dated a criminal.
[x] I have been cheated on.
[ ] I have cheated on someone.
[ ] I have a temper.
[x] I like playgrounds.
[x] I dance in the rain.
[ ] I'm obsessed with Shakespeare.
[ ] I have tanlines. :D
[ ] My favourite color is pink.
[ ] My favourite color is black.
[ ] I would classify myself as emo.
[x] I'm musically inclined.
[x] I like listening to music.
[x] I like music-blasting cars.
[ ] Thongs are comfortable.
[x] I like flip-flops.
[x] I know what monogamy is
[x] and I believe in it.
[ ] I wanna be a social worker when I grow up.
[x] I have siblings
[x] My siblings annoy me
[ ] I think South Park is funny
[x] I believe in LOVE.

i want to be...

...right now, productive. slept the whole day, ate unhealthy chemically processed pancit canton and carbonara packaged like noodles and corn chips and chocolate and gummy bears, watched the emmys twice and slept in between all of those activities while reading back issues of preview. aaaaahhh. my idea of bliss. of course, tomorrow will be a different story. and so the saga goes on. ia vs. readings - consti, persons, crim, et al. kaso na naman.

...in love. i really do! spent the whole sunday morning arguing with rosanne over how NOT IN LOVE i was though. and i'm not! i wish i was. it would be a welcome change to get out of bed all giddy and excited to start the day. to pick out clothes that will bring sparkle to the eyes of the one you love. to give someone a good morning kiss and to not be able to wait to give him a welcome-how-was-your-day kiss. to go to class or work with the smell of someone's after shave on your clothes or even just the soapy clean scent of his shirt on your skin. to not be able to wait to talk about how much you missed him and listen to how his day went. ah. maybe i already am in love...with the idea of being in love. or maybe that is just the chocolate doing the talking.

...working for a beauty mag. i read even back issues with the thirst of an ugly desperate woman. (though i am not really far from that i know). i keep on looking at the pages wistfully hoping the answer to questions on how to live my life (and look good doing it).

...decisive. can't seem to say right out if i want out of law school. can't seem to stop complaining about it but i can't seem to say for real that i want out either. baby steps i suppose. is this something i can be good at? lawyering = yes. law student-ING? = probably not. i swear i have the heart for it. i certainly want to help through it. but to have to go through the 4 years fending off insults...hooboy.

...thin again. so i can finally be on tv. there. i said it. it's no longer a secret. i think it has to stop being one so that i will become compelled to actually do something about it. but how??? i am so out of touch. but i watch tv wistfully. wishing i were part of the machination behind it. i know in my law interview i said i didn't know if i could be part of the industry and still like myself. but now i don't know if i can stand not to do anything about it and not hate myself in the process.

...brilliant. my dad is. my friends are. ive missed the feeling of walking into a room and knowing that you have a right to be there because you know you're good. and the people around you know it too. i miss being inspired by a brilliant idea. and having it inside you to make it real.

...travelling. there is a painful feeling in the pit of my stomach when i think of how the sem break is coming up and how i might not deserve a trip out of town seeing that i most probably will fail 2 of my subjects. then, i don't even deserve a rest.

...earning my own money. this keeps on coming up. night class or not? now i'm beginning to get settled into the idea of day class for the four years again. i don't know. oooh. but got a call from accenture asking if i wanted to maybe interview with them. i didn't even apply. cool. a sign? i dunno.

...given the gift of all the time i need in a day. ah. that would indeed be wonderful.

what do you want to be? Ü

things i appreciate most

ive been looking at my past entries and ive done nothing but complain about law school. at its not right. so today, im going to change things a little bit and talk about the things ive come to love since law school started.

my fluffy new comforter

its funny now that i think about it, to realize how ive switched from insomnia to narcolepsy. ive loved sleep so much, or rather seen the value of it now that i can't sleep or slack off. its when i get under the comforter when i feel blessed at the very least that i can sleep in the coolness of my room under the fluffy pink and white comforter. it feels like a hug.

my jackets

though i have loved my jackets even then, i find more use for them now that i have to stay in law school the whole darn day. our room, especially my seat is arctic cool. even for me. my jackes give my plain shirts life where i fail to. especially since cramming and rushing have totally stumped whatever fashion sense i still had left.

i have decided to watch an old movie while i am sick and heavy-lidded. falling in love with robert de niro and meryl streep. so for now, i am going to thank God i have the resources to do this. and pray to Him i can study tomorrow.

slow breath

today is a much needed rest. i can actually breathe easy knowing that i would not see any of my professors. not hear about the backlog in cases that i have to go over. just me. in my bed. eating breakfast with my dad. just like we used to. i miss it.

we talked about my plans to go on an even bigger break -- a shift from day to night class. i think the idea is beginning to grow on me. im beginning to really like it. my dad doesnt seem to have much of an objection except to point out that it'll just lengthen the course of my studies. i dont really mind. im young. a lot younger than he was when he started law school. and i think it will keep me saner. to have a life apart from law school. to not spend everyday just sitting in the library. to live more. to have less irrational teachers. it sounds really inspired. of course, protagonists of the day classes will say its a bad idea. night class students are stupider. they forum shop. but aren't they smarter because of that? they know what they can handle and they take law school by the reins. theyre the ones running the show. they get to choose the best professors too. anyway, a night class student can easily enroll in a good professor's class if it fits into his schedule. i think i will learn better that way. because i don't have anything to prove anyway. and its not as if braving an irrational professor is really much of an achievement. you get more stressed, learn less because of the fear.

of course, this is all just in the process of being thought through. i will pray about it still. but this break is making me see that i really am dead tired, and i have to do something about it.

rat in a wheel

thats what i feel i am now. i cant seem to catch up with everything i have to do. yet am taking the time to type this pa.

as of last week, because of the PLJ article i stupidly agreed to do, i have had to cut 4 consti classes, almost consecutively, and another persons class. up to now, i still haven't caught up with my readings.

to keep me sane, perhaps its best to list down what i still have not done:

finish reading consti for the week (sinko and all the cases) goodluck
finish persons for the week (yeah right)
finally get to reading method. God bless sa akin.
crim. WAAAAAAAAHHHH. 2 times this week. this is insane.
history. hooboy. malamang cut na ito ulit. i feel like crying already. wala nang time huminga.

i honestly don't know how to survive this week. it's goddamned crazy.